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Venom
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Venom |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
Venom How dare you? You slithered your way into my heart Stung it with your most potent venom You intoxicated my veins with your passion Poisoned my soul with your zeal My mind became so immune to irrationality That even logic could not dissect nor comprehend The premise that you are beneath me And the conclusion that you have conquered me. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Jasmine Sagge - All Rights Reserved | |||
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
i am having a little bit of difficulty understanding your poem. certain parts of it i really like, certain parts i'm sure i don't get. "How dare you?" the jury's out on this as a beginning. i like it because it calls attention to the poem right away. it tells us something about the speaker's situation right away, without saying too much. i don't like it because i'm not sure it makes sense in the context of the poem. is the speaker someone who would use a question this bold on the person that has him/her under his/her spell? i'm not sure. "You slithered your way into my heart Stung it with your most potent venom You intoxicated my veins with your passion Poisoned my soul with your zeal" i like some of the images here. i like the slithering. i'm not a big fan of the play between "heart" and "soul" because it can seem trite. i have a hard time with "intoxi ated my veins" because this just seems impossible. intoxication implies a mental state, something veins can't have because they don't have mental capacities. if you are going to go that route, replace heart and soul with something more corporeal. veins, nerves, muscles, brain, kidneys, you get the picture. "My mind became so immune to irrationality That even logic could not dissect nor comprehend The premise that you are beneath me And the conclusion that you have conquered me" here is where i get really confused. if the speaker is immune to irrationality, isn't he/she rational? if this is true, isn't he/she logical? i really like the line about logic, especially the use of the word "dissect" with the other body images. i am also confused by the premise/conclusion lines. i don't think that a poem necessarily has to make sense. but the language here is contradicting itself. it is obvious to me that you are capable of coming up with some great images. i'm just lost in your direct statements. thanks for the read. |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
I think you've got a nice poem here, but perhaps you rushed posting it without editing it a little more. I would think the first line would make a better statement than a question. And "veins," could be replaced with "being," or such.-- How dare you?(!) You slithered your way into my heart Stung it with your most potent venom You intoxicated my veins (being) with your passion Anyway, whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best! Grover. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Very powerful and bold! |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
thank you so much for your insights. i would certainly consider them.  |
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