MY LOVE IS LIKE A CANDLE - pipTalk Forums

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MGROVES

Member Elite

since 2004-02-01

Posts 3802
california

0 posted 2004-02-01 11:25 PM

my love is like a candle flickering from the breeze,
my heart is heavy as i drop to my knees.

my eyes are like a heavy cloud ready to pour,
my stomach is sinking as i look out the door.

what is he doing or should i ask with who?
he's repeating the past if only he knew.

works all day, hides all night,
i'm needing his love this neglect isn't right.

i am a person i work hard all day,
no one to share with, why must i be pushed away.

i am not the one who excludes,
or the one lying to self thoughts that delude.

i am not the one, who has to control,
or hide with a botte in his cave like a mole.

i am not the one still living in the past,
nor do i predict or create to make it last,

i know i am not perfect i've done my share,
i am the one who'll always love and care.

this was suppose to be two not one,
standing by the other, denial has won.

[This message has been edited by MGROVES (02-02-2004 08:53 PM).]

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

1 posted 2004-02-02 12:25 PM

This has alot of promise but lots of problems in it's current state:

it has some mispellings and if your going to use punctuation I would use it all the way like cap the i's and the first letter of each line. Just keep it consistent. You don't have to use punctuation, some excellent poets use none at all on some of their work, but if you do best to keep it real. There seem to be tons 'o commas, maybe work on the sentence structure so you can elimate some of those.

"
this was suppose to be two as one,
each standing by the other, hearts beating together, as one
"

this ending needs to be re-done or cut.

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

2 posted 2004-02-02 07:11 PM

Hi, M... excellent content here. The reader can quickly identify and begin to move with the flow. But, as pointed out by wintertao, you could improve this poem 1000 fold. Just slow down and take some breaths... allow the reader to experience the beat of your wonderful writing:

my love is like a candle/
flickering from the breeze/
my heart is heavy/
as i drop to my knees. [end S1]

my eyes are like a heavy cloud/
ready to pour/
my stomach is sinking/
as i look out the door. [end S2]

And so forth... just a suggestion, though.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2004-02-02 11:15 PM

I don't care for the 2 line stanzas but making shorter lines, as Grover suggested, might help that some. Still, I think the breaks are irrational.

More importantly though, it feels like you are letting the rhymes drive the poem. Not as obvious as some forced rhyming we sometimes see but still easily noticeable.

Finally, as it is, you have just presented a bunch of almost unrelated, stand-alone lines. You really need to work on that as it can make a fairly good poem appear quite beginnerish (excuse the new word).

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