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Critical Analysis #2

please critique

brtymj
New Member

since 2003-03-05

Posts 8

0 posted 2004-01-25 09:23 PM

my conceousness strains to see through the haze of lust
when i hold my sheets and long for your touch
i try to analyse what these feelings are and why I'm feeling them...
when each and every word you write is revered as art
framed, and hung on the walls within the chambers of my mind
the sound of your voice eccoes in every corridor
like a sweet song
I feel for you equally in two ways, marilee
One side of me wants to talk to you
and explore every realm of your godly mind
and the other side of me wants to hold you
and explore every surface of your angelic body
I must not hold back these feelings for you
I must eccept the fact that you are real
even though you are to good to be real

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

1 posted 2004-01-27 08:37 AM

Mend your spelling, man!

Avoid long and cumbersome lines that are ultimately unintentionally funny such as 'my consciousness strains to see through the haze of lust..' Try and hone your stuff and trim it down to the bare essentials. Everybody wants to over-elaborate when they begin but avoid it. If nothing adds, then subtract.

You have one decent image here. 'Each and every word you write/is revered as art framed and hung/on the walls....of my mind.' I like that. Try and be equally ambitious in future but ruthless in your paring also.

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

2 posted 2004-01-29 04:48 PM

Just a suggestion... leave out names (merilee) instead use "she, her, you, etc". This allows the reader to "fill in the blanks." Grover.

Kie
Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 77
USA

3 posted 2004-02-02 09:43 PM

This could be a great poem. The overall feel is good. First and foremost spelling errors should be corrected. Even the greatest of poems are not great if the spelling isn't right. The last three lines just didn't flow. If you shaped it a bit, I think it would be awesome. Kie

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