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Critical Analysis #2
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croyles
Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102


0 posted 2004-01-27 02:19 PM


Any comments, suggestions, critique, suspicions and opinions are welcome. No, more than welcome, they help me.

Note that this is my first EVER poem written.

-------------------------------------------------

The Circle or the Spiral?:

In subtle tremble, from shrieking despair,
Begins a fresher search for cryptic task.
Crowds aback of silent burden i bear;-
My luminous core hides, here comes shadow's mask.


O such vastly woe,
Such grief and fear of self.
But why afraid of friend and foe?
Coz reason clusters in young minds shelf.


Unexpectadly, around I go;-
Around the circle or up the spiral,
Which of these I do not know,
I cannot choose the path to go.


Shadows left for hope that sings,
From such peaceful song,
And the whiff of fear that stings,
Could not knife me wrong.


So gloomy clouds spread afar, high up in the air,
And dominating darkness, that I so despise,
Did diminish fair.


I wished for it lifelong,
though so soon faltered and twisted,
Did this grateful song.
So seeming as though fate insisted.


Shadows crept in my new born world,
Quivered to form dark forgotten visions,
That wants one, but me, to do incisions!
Did I fail to have this nightmare hurled?


--------------------------------------------------

Let me tell you that these answers will be useful, im not going to always take peoples advice, but its good to see with what I agree and with what I dont agree, you see?

1: Do you think that the sound of the poem changes to rapidly and suddenly?

2: How is spelling and puncuation? And how about nice words, or good words?

3: Is it smooth on the tongue throughout the poem? How about line breaks and the amount of syllables?

4: Enough detail?

5: Title. Does it sound interesting enough to you?

6: Good rhyming scheme for a 'free verse'?

Thanks. I will critique your stuff when i check the other poems out! Im not selfish!

[This message has been edited by croyles (01-28-2004 11:32 AM).]

© Copyright 2004 croyles - All Rights Reserved
wintertao
Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
1 posted 2004-01-27 10:53 PM


I liked it very much....for a first poem its excellent.

be careful with the ---

In subtle tremble, from shrieking despair,
---Begins a fresher search for cryptic task.
Crowds aback of silent burden i bear;-
---My luminous core hides, here comes shadows mask.

I would cut those --....all of them.

You show a creative flair here my friend, you will do well at poetry. Welcome.



forne_marin
Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina
2 posted 2004-04-14 01:50 AM


First off, for a first shot, this is impressive.


1: Do you think that the sound of the poem changes too rapidly and suddenly?

No, I think it is paced well.

2: How is spelling and puncuation? And how about nice words, or good words?

This is the English major in me coming out, but please please please kill "Coz". It would be okay if you were writing a piece like "We So Cool", but with the beautiful language in the poem "Coz" sticks out like a sore thumb. In fact, I'd recommend using "Because" if you can make it fit in the meter.

3: Is it smooth on the tongue throughout the poem? How about line breaks and the amount of syllables?

The word use is great, but your meter needs work. Decide on how many beats you want per line per verse and stick with it.

4: Enough detail?

Yup yup.

5: Title. Does it sound interesting enough to you?

I would have preferred "Spinning"

6: Good rhyming scheme for a 'free verse'?

I like it.

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