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PassionatelyRomantic
Member

since 2004-01-24

Posts 190

0 posted 2004-01-25 10:35 PM

Alone the Sand of Time

We walk alone the sand of time,
as I close my eyes and envision,
the inevitable crime,
of my heated lover's heart.

A gentle bead of sweat rolls down my brow,
and the invigorating taste of salt fills my senses,
as my lover's heart breaks her vow,
with an exquisite suitor.

Her stare is but the Gulf of Mexico,
beautiful- just before the waning sun meets horizon.
Eyes radiating like a distant light house- iredescently aglow,
like a distant constelation of stars.

Her soft touch carresses my body,
as her hair whips about,
striking like a whip against my nude body,
and across my well-worn face.

Our bodies are silhouetted,
'gainst the canvas of the sea,
as love requited,
is expressed through thee.

We stand there dignified in the nude,
bound only by the hands of time,
We happily embrace the romantic mood,
as we silently exchange goodbyes.

Passion overwhelms thee,
as the sand of time is washed away,
by the relentless sea,
that truley gives life to you and me.

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

1 posted 2004-01-27 08:28 AM

Incurably

Help ma boab, as they say in Partick. First of all this is very ambitious which is good. You're really trying to create images which is good. You're also trying to convey through your choice of language, passion, sensuality and that is good, too.

However there are serious flaws here which you must pay attention to in order to avoid pitfalls in future.

Rhyme and Rhythm: It's Ok to rhyme (though it's difficult to rhyme well) but if you're going to do it try and be consistent, and don't cop out. 'Body' is a rhyme for 'body' but... To avoid chopping rhythms read your work out in a measured voice, preferably to someone else- it'll be obvious what's clumsy. Here you begin in Stanza 1 with a rhythm that you abandon in Stanza 2- 'A gentle bead of sweat rolls down my brow/and the invigorating taste of salt fills my senses' is incredibly cumbersome.

Imagery- Startling is OK Surprising is OK, Laughable isn't . 'Her soft touch caresses my body/as her hair whips about striking like a whip (as it would)...across my well worn face.' conjures up an amazing visual image and not the one you want. Likewise 'we stand there dignified in the nude'.There are lots of examples of this, my favourite by far being your girlfriend's eyes 'radiating like a distant lighthouse'. This almost but not quite equals my best ever seen: 'her curly hair was like a field of brussel sprouts'.

Linguistic anachronisms- 'gainst, thee, etc. Naebody talks like this nowadays except in bad verse.

Don't think I'm laughing at you cos I'm not. As I said you set out to be ambitious and passionate which is extremely good, but you need to work on the basic craft: the structure and the language.

PassionatelyRomantic
Member

since 2004-01-24

Posts 190

2 posted 2004-01-27 10:13 AM

thank you very much for you analysis...

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

3 posted 2004-04-14 01:42 AM

PassionatelyRomantic,

I'm afriad I'm going to have to echo Craw. Rhyming verse is a very unforgiving art. Not only do you have to watch your actual rhyme scheme, but the big thing with me is meter. I'm obsessive when it comes to meter. I hope you don't mind. Let me offer you a suggestion to show you what I mean.

Your first block reads

We walk alone* the sand of time,
as I close my eyes and envision,
the inevitable crime,
of my heated lover's heart.

ps. Is that supposed to be "alone" or "along"? I think "along" sounds better.
Try this on for size:

We walk along the sands of time,
I close my eyes and see
The inevitable crime,
of my heated lover's heart.

Eight beats in the first and third lines, six beats in the second and fourth.

Good piece, though. Very sensual. I liked it.

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