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Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

0 posted 2004-01-23 02:20 AM

I sigh
because I
am losing
my last breath.

What then,
will I say
when
I am brought
to the stand,
must I
blame my
love, oh
my life.

Do
you remember?
Days ago
when
you coiled
'round my
neck
and choked
the brutal truth
from my teeth,
they set
themselves apart..

In ivory..

Clean white
pearl-like
graced upon
the
reflection
of blood
that I
spit

quiet
your eyes
blink still
life and
I
am not a color
mere
black
and
white.

Muscles
contract as
you constrict
and
when you
take my
last breath
in
sigh,
you've been drawing devils
in the
frost I
create.

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

1 posted 2004-01-27 10:42 PM

some nice lines in here - pls un-center.

this can be cut:

Clean white
pearl-like
graced upon
the
reflection
of blood
that I
spit

this adds nothing to the poem.

again, like the creatvity in this, well done.

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

2 posted 2004-01-28 09:21 PM

Yes, you need a wee bit of cutting-- but hey... you got some good poetry here!!! I don't really stumble over anything, flows nice--. (just a newbie's opinion) Grover.

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

3 posted 2004-01-29 05:26 AM

I really like the breathless quality of this- the fluidity of the language and the shape of the poem gell well. I like 'set themselves apart in ivory'. Given all this flow the phrase 'muscles contract as you constrict' is jarring to me: it interrupts the haunting melody you've established.

Michelle_loves_Mike

Senior Member

since 2003-12-20

Posts 1189
Pennsylvania

4 posted 2004-01-29 07:49 AM

To feel so tight in the grasp of another,,is unnerving, yet wonderful if in the right way. The way you put it accross, well done
Michelle

I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2004-01-29 11:43 AM

I
think
you
have a
good
start
here if
you drop
the
centering
and
the
s
h
o
r
t
lines.

I find both those to be most distracting. This is not a visual poem so I think it would work much better if you let the content carry it instead of this artificial visual formatting.

JMHO

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

6 posted 2004-04-14 01:54 AM

Okay, I have a major axe to grind with one of the previous critiques. Personally, I thought one of the best elements of your piece is the visual look of it. It *looks* like some kind of snake. I don't think they got it.

Personally, I think a poem can be both lyrically *AND* visually beautiful, and I think you've proven that. Keep it centered, keep it short.

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