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Critical Analysis #2
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Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York

0 posted 2004-01-27 10:49 AM



The cautionary lamenting of a brutally ruined harvest,
sings desperately from the wind of the piccolo.
The flashy, lightning urge exploding the rattles raspy voice.
In the cold, damp mind of the strategist.
The grandest grains obedient, in salty foreclosure.
A rusted rain filled brimming cannister,
majestically, lost deeply,
in the sheepish depths of the stratestist' oldest memories.

                   Love,
             xXx~*KELLIE*~xXx
Graduation : January 29th 2004

© Copyright 2004 Kellie M. Cantrell - All Rights Reserved
wintertao
Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL
1 posted 2004-01-27 10:50 PM


I did some edit in my head - it reads better if you move the first line of the poem to the end....try it. Well done, I like this alot.
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

2 posted 2004-01-28 03:41 AM


Not bad Kellie.

I think it might be a little bit overwordy, a little bit cluttered. You have some really good images in here...maybe you could lose a couple of the adjectives to make them clearer...

K

Craw
Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73
Scotland
3 posted 2004-01-28 05:27 AM




This is very ambitious but if you break it down, I think the central images are cluttered and, in my opinion, partly incomprehensible:

'The cautionary lamenting...sings desperately..."
"A rusted...cannister...lost deeply....in the sheepish depths....of memories."

You're obviously brimming with words and ideas but this comes across as a bit of an undisciplined gush.

Grover
Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada
4 posted 2004-01-28 08:48 PM


You need to do some revising, Kellie, but don't by any means scrap it. I kind of tripped over the word "stratetist". In fact, I couldn't find the word in my dictionary. Anyway, you've got some exciting imagery content. Take everything with a grain of salt. Grover.
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