»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Critique request- The Strategist
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Critique request- The Strategist |
|
|
Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York 
|
The cautionary lamenting of a brutally ruined harvest, sings desperately from the wind of the piccolo. The flashy, lightning urge exploding the rattles raspy voice. In the cold, damp mind of the strategist. The grandest grains obedient, in salty foreclosure. A rusted rain filled brimming cannister, majestically, lost deeply, in the sheepish depths of the stratestist' oldest memories. Love, |
||
| © Copyright 2004 Kellie M. Cantrell - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I did some edit in my head - it reads better if you move the first line of the poem to the end....try it. Well done, I like this alot. |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Not bad Kellie.  I think it might be a little bit overwordy, a little bit cluttered. You have some really good images in here...maybe you could lose a couple of the adjectives to make them clearer...  K |
||
|
Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
This is very ambitious but if you break it down, I think the central images are cluttered and, in my opinion, partly incomprehensible: 'The cautionary lamenting...sings desperately..." "A rusted...cannister...lost deeply....in the sheepish depths....of memories." You're obviously brimming with words and ideas but this comes across as a bit of an undisciplined gush. |
||
|
Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
You need to do some revising, Kellie, but don't by any means scrap it. I kind of tripped over the word "stratetist". In fact, I couldn't find the word in my dictionary. Anyway, you've got some exciting imagery content. Take everything with a grain of salt. Grover. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
