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spartacusVSwhitefang
New Member

since 2004-01-25

Posts 7

0 posted 2004-01-25 09:58 PM

I am no longer animal or man
animal breaths untill no longer can
my breath is not gone but held
untill the creator of life comes along
and untill that day, i pray and know
that if i was man i'd still be wrong
men don't know of waiting between breathing
they breath, they sing, they breath
if they knew how i knew how only my wind blew
they'd not sing for long but grow
and grow and grow then one day I'd hope
that they too would know which gusts would blow
then two winds might one day crow
oh the singing of the song shivers us
and we just dance that dance
threw, spin, drift and snow.

--------

do your worst pls, I don't think my friends even like poetry so when i send them somthing to see what they will say they just brush it off and change the subject.

Craw
Member

since 2003-09-11

Posts 73
Scotland

1 posted 2004-01-27 03:50 PM

This is interesting, too, because a lot of it to me is clumsy and semi-comprehensible but there are bits that breathe (breathe is how you spell breathe) real life, like 'grow and grow and one day/ I'd hope they too would know what gusts would blow' and the last couple of lines too: a sort of seductive chant that transcends meaning. However- for me to like a poem I need to have this type of osmosis throughout, or the writer needs to make the poem accessible, at least in part, to the reader.

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

2 posted 2004-03-20 12:23 PM

untill = until

grassy ninja
Junior Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 41
Kentucky

3 posted 2004-03-27 12:35 PM

the most distracting element in this poem is the following:
breath = noun
breathe = verb
a person cannot "breath."  he can "breathe."  i think that i wrote off your poem earlier as not being understandable because i didn't realize this was a misspelling.
another quibble: until, not untill.
okay, as for the actual poem.

"I am no longer animal or man
animal breath(e)s until(l) no longer can
my breath is not gone but held
until(l) the creator of life comes along."

i like the beginning.  the grammar is a little shakey, but i think that's acceptable as long as you maintain that voice throughout the poem.

"and until(l) that day, i pray and know
that if i was man i'd still be wrong
men don't know of waiting between breathing"

this is where i start to have trouble with the syntax of the lines.  it doesn't read coherently.  i can kind of make out a general meaning here, but... maybe there is a way to clean this up a bit.

"they breath(e), they sing, they breath(e)
if they knew how i knew how only my wind blew
they'd not sing for long but grow
and grow and grow then one day I'd hope
that they too would know which gusts would blow"

punctuation is essential in a poem where the line breaks don't give the reader the natural flow of the sentence.  it can be difficult to understand a piece when it goes five lines without punctuation.  you really need it here.  i can't yet begin to critique this passage.  i have a very minimal understanding of what is going on here.

"then two winds might one day crow
oh the singing of the song shivers us
and we just dance that dance
threw, spin, drift and snow."

the end is strong again, much like the beginning.  i don't understand the use of the word "threw" in the last line.  it seems like you should use "throw," because the other verbs are present tense.  also, the reader is left wondering why the narrator is waiting for the creator?  is the creator going to be brought up again?  what is the significance of the wind?  we need a little more substance, and less repetition.  more direct, less vague.  i like the images conjured up here.  perhaps by expanding these, you can come up with a really effective poem.  i am sure, by this draft, that it is in your power to do so.  good luck.

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