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While Ian Dunbar Sleeps
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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While Ian Dunbar Sleeps |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
While Ian Dunbar sleeps, men with boots trace arabesques on porridge coloured skies. The Nith is paralysed and the moon decides to shine again on lawns, on little children disappeared. While Ian Dunbar sleeps, taxis purr through sleeves of street, the night has an eggshell innocence, smooth like baldness and the clock strains against the weight of our sweet fears. While Ian Dunbar sleeps, in the little time it takes for candlelight to pass, or to sip a glass from the river Lethe, there is no need of death, or tears. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Craw, I tried finding something to nitpick, but in the end the only thing I would even dare suggest perhaps, would be dropping, “and” in S1-L5, “and the” in S2-L5, as well as “an” in S2-L3 to even the meter slightly. I say this realizing that the overall meter does not follow a strict pattern. I can see that you have one trochaic line in an otherwise iambic first stanza for example. In my opinion, such variation here, is not a distraction, for you have woven so much rich imagery into this rather short piece that I would be willing to ascribe any other possible bumps to purposeful modulation. Perhaps other, more discerning, more self confident critics could come up with better suggestions. I’ll defer to their judgments on this one, for I enjoyed it far too much overall. Thanks for sharing. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
Yeah, I've got to agree with ol' Rus on this one. This poem isn't standard fare. Very nice. I especially like the name Ian, which is plenty popular in Scotland, but pretty rare in the States. My brother's name is Ian, so I've always had an affinity for it. The meter is a bit odd. I thought, in the first stanza, that you were going with a trimeter, but it didn't last past the fourth line. Since this isn't a metrical poem, I will keep my critiques to the content and subject. I'm guessing the "Nith" is fairly important because, through its paralyzation, the moon is allowed to "shine again". What is a Nith? I looked it up...oh, wait. I found it. It's a river. Okay, that makes sense. I guess what I'm having trouble with is the theme of the poem. I understand the attention to detail in a single, otherwise unmentionable, moment. The man sleeps, life goes on and the world moves as it always has. There is no need for death in the light of the moon and rivers. Why is there no need for death? That would be my only criticism --the question left unanswered: what is your theme? As of now, the last line seems to suggest that death is unnecessary and that it's better to sleep and dream than to face reality. Eh? Sight is an always awful beginning |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Carw, I guess I'm impressed by this effort too. I do have a couple of tiny suggestions that seem to me to smooth the flow. 1) I would drop and from S1-L5 and end L4 with a comma. 2) I would consider droppint the from S2-L3 and change the comma at L2 to a semicolon. Like I said, pretty minor. I really enjoyed. Thanks for sharing. Pete BTW, I forgot to mention, I really enjoyed the critiques from Sid and Astro. |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
The meter seems to have been covered, so I'll keep this to emotional impact. First off, the concept of "men in boots" "trac[ing] arabesques" is a very vivid contrasting image. All in all, it's very beautifly done, but I was wondering what an "eggshell innocence" is? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Eggshells speak of a delicate state. "Walking on eggshells", for example is now quite cliche'. "Eggshell innocence" on the other hand is quite freshly stated and when used to describe night, can evoke many possible images. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
An impressive write, charged with insight and emotion. True enjoyment to read through a few times! |
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