Critical Analysis #2 |
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Reaching for the Stars |
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TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
The wily warlock moon extends his cape of satin night. An onyx wand of stars create a drape of sequin light. He smooths the jagged crystal sea to make a mirrored pool and sets the stars afloat on top; each one, a twinkling jewel. A woman walks along the rocks entranced in moonlight ruse. She stretches legs and arms and hands to pry the diamonds loose. The moon bestirs the sleeping sea 'til waves and rocks collide. With eyes and pockets full of stars, she's taken by the tide. Poetry is the sculpting of words. We ALL start with a lump of clay. |
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© Copyright 2004 Catherine - All Rights Reserved | |||
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well Cat, I can't find anything of substance to complain about here. Great imagery. You have some really interesting metaphors and the whole thing even becomes a nice extended metaphor. I don't believe I would change a word. So, it looks like the only nit I can pick is that blasted semicolon. Not only is it grammatically incorrect but it also is just plain ugly. A comma is all that's really needed there. But if you want to separate the following phrase a little more, you might substitute a dash. JMHO, Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Nice effort, reads unforcedly. Good play with the theme of illusion, the dream within the dream. One thing to consider: entranced in moonlight ruse. might be a little more natural if it read: entranced by moonlight's ruse. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Actually, I was going to suggest 'entranced in moonlit ruse' Because 'moonlight ruse' does sound unnatural and forced. Other than that though, I really like this; I think pete's right about the extended metaphor... the moon is a man, full of diamonds and riches... and the woman falls under his spell. It's made more significant by the fact that the moon is usually portrayed as female, and in sync with female cycles. Hope I've helped. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
"Moonlit", yes, a much more elegant adjustment. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
What they all said, with an excellent! for story-telling. Enjoyed this very much! |
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