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Necro Draconis
Member

since 2000-05-19

Posts 115

0 posted 2004-01-16 11:19 AM

This one needs some help

Gently caressing the surface
Gleaming in the autumn sun light
Slowly rolling over unseen hills
Echoing its silent song

Full of childish poise
Its dauntless heart at hand
Mounted for treacherous times
Its fate to soon be revealed

Jagged teeth exposed
Monstrous appetite in tact
Balancing on a razors edge
Swirling from dangers grasp

Victory in the distance
Glassy plains ahead
Fear a fading memory
Lessons for a lifetime

We spend our whole lives trying to live, only to realize that we don’t know what life is truly about until it is too late.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2004-01-16 11:59 AM

Ryan, the first impression I get is just a bunch of disjoint lines, much like another one I read recently. This is so distracting that I really can't get into the guts of it. I suggest you work on it some trying to make the context flow from line to line better. Then maybe the whole will come together better.

JMHO,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Michelle_loves_Mike

Senior Member

since 2003-12-20

Posts 1189
Pennsylvania

2 posted 2004-01-16 06:08 PM

Makes me think of a dragon in flight,,,,I like it,,
Michelle

I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2004-01-17 01:33 AM

Learn how to use a verb instead of an adjective.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2004-01-17 10:59 AM

Aha. That's what I was looking for. Each line is just an elaborate adjective. There is no punch to the statement. Thanks Brad.

Necro Draconis
Member

since 2000-05-19

Posts 115

5 posted 2004-01-19 11:05 AM

I see.......you make good points

I was thinking along the same lines, but couldn't think of what I needed to do. Thanks!

We spend our whole lives trying to live, only to realize that we don’t know what life is truly about until it is too late.

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