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Critical Analysis #2
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Our Troubled Land.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Our Troubled Land. |
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bgryan Junior Member
since 2003-06-16
Posts 30North Ireland |
In this land our troubled land I gave birth to human form fought for freedom and righteousness, the hour before the dawn. Through bitter tears I saw the world ablaze love was just a memory, asleep above the sky. On battlefields that once were playing fields the gun became my brother; I heard the banshee cry. Whispering words of discontent in a house of many lies now love is just a memory, asleep above the sky. |
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| © Copyright 2004 B.G.Ryan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Copperbell Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956 |
I really like the line: "now love is just a memory -- asleep above the sky" Your first line grabbed my interest, just because ( I think) you're talking about Ireland - and I hear so much about Ireland that I'm automatically curious what someone who lives there would have to say about it. I don't know what you mean by "I give birth to human form" though. Do you mean you were given by birth to human form? I think if you worked on the meter of it a little it would read smoother |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I liked most everything except the "asleep above the sky" lines. The intent is correct but the wording just sounds a little stilted. Maybe phony is a better description. I wasn't bothered so much by the meter except for righteousness. It has too many syllables and the stresses are all in the wrong places. Although it is the reight meaning, I would search for a more melodious substitute. I also suggest working on the punctuation a little. Some of what you have is just grammatically incorrect. For example, the comma in S1 should be at the end of L2 instead of L3. Also L2, in both S2 and S4, technically should end with a semicolon, especially since you have used one in S3. I would at least put commas there. But, if you do that, you probably should change the semicolon in S3 to a comma also. JMHO, Pete |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
the missing comma in line one bugs the hell out of me. in this land, our troubled land not much else to say...lol...listen to Pete, he knows what he's on about..there you go.  K |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
Whispering words of discontent in a house of many lies now love is just a memory, asleep above the sky. In the light of our wonderful country, I love it dearly,,sadly, we will never see the day, it is to be , as it was invisioned to be Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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Necro Draconis Member
since 2000-05-19
Posts 115 |
I love this poem. I can live without the comma being there however  I really don't see anything wrong with it that I can point out. Great descriptive detail. Great job! We spend our whole lives trying to live, only to realize that we don’t know what life is truly about until it is too late. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Oops, I missed the missing comma in L1  |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I actually like the 'asleep above the sky' line... didn't find it phony at all. Sounds to me like you're mourning love... as if it is a person who has died and gone to heaven? (and maybe it is, considering the topic). My only complaint about it is that you've repeated it in a poem only four stanzas long. That makes me feel like you want to bash me over the head it it... and that you don't have anything strong enough to end the poem with, so you sample your line from earlier. I don't think that works, especially in something this short. Hope I've helped. |
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