a bubble (my first free-verse, please help)

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Ford
Junior Member

since 2003-05-11

Posts 12
Arkansaw

0 posted 2004-01-12 12:37 PM

Blow softly, slowly,
And delicately, we began.

And here we are.

Every now and then,
A song in the car would remind me of you...
Oh hell, who am I kidding?
Every damn song that played did that to me.
But not because I loved you,
And not because I didn't.
But because I liked you;
Liked you far too much.
But that was all.
And if only you wouldn't expect so much from me,
You might not get let down.
Could I have stayed with you?
Sure.
I can be nice to anybody I don't care about.
But you see, I did care.

And here we are.

I have nothing left,
Because we did it right.

And I wasn't ready for that.

So, I'm sorry...
I'm sorry we couldn't be perfect.

POP

Oh, the wind still blows,
And I can but float,
Only,
not with you.

And I wasn't ready for that.

Michelle_loves_Mike

Senior Member

since 2003-12-20

Posts 1189
Pennsylvania

1 posted 2004-01-12 02:41 PM

Are we ever ready for our bubble to be burst?

Michelle

I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike

TwistedKnickers
Junior Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 35
Saskatchewan, Canada

2 posted 2004-01-16 11:48 AM

Hello Ford...
For a first try, this is rather good. I'm no expert with free verse - I prefer to write in form, but this piece has a good idea behind it. I think that you used your own voice quite well at the beginning of the poem, but then it kind of trickled off there for a bit at the end. "I can but float" is much too poetic to fit in here with the rest of your voice. I didn't think that the apology was a necessity here either. You have to break her heart here, and the readers' as well - cleanly, with dignity!

Hope this helps...Cat

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2004-01-18 09:42 AM

A good start. For some excellent reading on free verse, I suggest you do a search for Cpat Hair. He always has a beginning, a middle and end, much like a story, with succinct oral sound and imagery that spreads before you.

Another note on free verse: clip the thought, lose "and" as well as "the" from many of your lines, and you'll place yourself in the mind of a reader.

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

4 posted 2004-01-18 02:31 PM

Ford~
I like the premise of this piece~
I'm not much of a critiquer ...
but I know what appeals to me ... this does~

A little snip n' clip here and there might tighten it up ... but know that you've taken a pretty good step-up on the free verse ladder~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram <))><

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