»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
a bubble (my first free-verse, please help)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
a bubble (my first free-verse, please help) |
|
|
Ford Junior Member
since 2003-05-11
Posts 12Arkansaw |
Blow softly, slowly, And delicately, we began. And here we are. Every now and then, A song in the car would remind me of you... Oh hell, who am I kidding? Every damn song that played did that to me. But not because I loved you, And not because I didn't. But because I liked you; Liked you far too much. But that was all. And if only you wouldn't expect so much from me, You might not get let down. Could I have stayed with you? Sure. I can be nice to anybody I don't care about. But you see, I did care. And here we are. I have nothing left, Because we did it right. And I wasn't ready for that. So, I'm sorry... I'm sorry we couldn't be perfect. POP Oh, the wind still blows, And I can but float, Only, not with you. And I wasn't ready for that. |
||
| © Copyright 2004 Ford - All Rights Reserved | |||
Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
Are we ever ready for our bubble to be burst? Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
||
|
TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
Hello Ford... For a first try, this is rather good. I'm no expert with free verse - I prefer to write in form, but this piece has a good idea behind it. I think that you used your own voice quite well at the beginning of the poem, but then it kind of trickled off there for a bit at the end. "I can but float" is much too poetic to fit in here with the rest of your voice. I didn't think that the apology was a necessity here either. You have to break her heart here, and the readers' as well - cleanly, with dignity! Hope this helps...Cat |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
A good start. For some excellent reading on free verse, I suggest you do a search for Cpat Hair. He always has a beginning, a middle and end, much like a story, with succinct oral sound and imagery that spreads before you. Another note on free verse: clip the thought, lose "and" as well as "the" from many of your lines, and you'll place yourself in the mind of a reader. |
||
Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Ford~ I like the premise of this piece~ I'm not much of a critiquer ... but I know what appeals to me ... this does~ A little snip n' clip here and there might tighten it up ... but know that you've taken a pretty good step-up on the free verse ladder~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
