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Critical Analysis #2
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My Secret
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My Secret |
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wickedbeautifulpoetry Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 84Indiana, USA |
I posted this a few days ago on Open Poetry, but I would like a more critical eye to be cast upon it. any feedback is appreciated. it makes me die to look at you and think of things that i wouldn’t think about anyone else knowing that you are my goal my unreachable like reaching the tip-top of mt. everest it is a hope a childish, foolish dream but yet i still bathe in it every night let it stew in my dreams rejuvenated by morning a deeper fabrication i lie to myself to keep the thought of you vibrant if only in my mind every piece of me loves every piece of you i love you to the depths of my bones folded into my marrow is pure adoration only for you but you don’t know i hide my secrets from you because you can never know this has happened before a love corrupted by foolish impatience i prefer waiting to see what is to come rather than bestowing an undesirable fate upon myself |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
this is just my opinion for what its worth the word you is over used - 6 times and it began to grate on me. There are several lines, at the beginning that can be cut, the poem can be shortened and be much stronger. Try breaking it into stanza's. This whole starting phrase can be cut imo it makes me die to look at you and think of things that i wouldn’t think about anyone else knowing that you are my goal my unreachable starting the poem after this makes for a better feel for this....keep in mind love poems are by far the most common...I get sick of reading 10,000 love poems every year that all sound basically the same...throw me some curves. cut this as well... if only in my mind every piece of me loves every piece of you i love you to the depths of my bones |
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angele Junior Member
since 2004-01-09
Posts 35Malta (tiny island in the Med) |
For what its worth... i agree that the poem may seem a bit long but there are images embedded in it that really hit the nail on the head and managed to express what you were trying to put across |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
i would disagree.. if you read published poetry these days... its pretty image intensive, and here you're only providing emotions which i cannot relate too. if you were to rewrite it not how you feel but in a way that i could relate to... i might react better to the poem. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You wouldn’t have much left afterwards, but cuts are definitely in order—and I’d go even further: “you are my goal my unreachable like reaching the tip-top of mt. everest” is a gooey line, that begs to be rinsed down the garbage disposal. “but yet” unnecessary words. i still bathe in it every night let it stew in my dreams” I’m not sure how one “stews” when it comes to dreams. This seems incoherent to me. “i love you to the depths of my bones” Another tired line. “a deeper fabrication” This line doesn’t relate to anything, therefore makes no sense. every piece of me loves every piece of you i love you to the depths of my bones More dusty, lifeless lines “folded into my marrow” makes no sense “is pure adoration only for you but you don’t know i hide my secrets from you” This weary idea has been done countless times—albeit arranged differently here and there—but only slightly. The rest of the lines that haven’t been dealt with, though still a bit clichéd could, IMO, be reworked into a slightly more interesting piece, if you also cut out the redundancies. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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iwontdrownagain Junior Member
since 2003-10-04
Posts 39Massachusetts |
I agree with what everyone else has been saying, BUT I understand exactly where you are coming from. I know the feelings you are talking about and I would like for you to now that. However, there are really too many cliches in there, and to hear them again in other poems makes some poems less authentic and genuine. I actually wrote a poem called "Cliche". It wasn't all cliches, but it was repititious sounding. Despite the fact that it had cliches up the wazoo, to me it was a sweet love poem. Anyway, try to use less cliches and more of what you want to write. Just remember, if it sounds cliche, it probably is. ~Scarlett "The green of your eyes |
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Kristin Eve Member
since 2004-01-13
Posts 89On, Canada |
i think the strength of this piece lies in the concrete structure and strong, simple wording. I enjoyed it, but also feel the word YOU might have been overused. "Who you are speaks so loudly...I can hardly hear what you are saying" |
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