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Fly Brother
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fly Brother |
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Copperbell Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956 |
Push against the bounds of man The gates that hem him in The fearful way he holds so tight To dreams he fights to win Placed high upon a mountaintop Beseech him, "learn to fly" He'll stamp and shout and snort and beg And demand the answer why Wings unfurled, an angel's means Like a hawk he can take flight He swallows pride and throws himself Into the Wind that ends his night [This message has been edited by Copperbell (01-07-2004 09:02 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Copperbell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
I like the first two stanzas, the second one especially, but I can't help thinking you could have finished stronger... although I'm not sure how. |
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Copperbell Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956 |
Are you referring to what he does or to my choice of words? In looking at it, I'm wondering if the tense is wrong. The first two verses refers to something that will be done and the last is what he does after its been done. Can I do that? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Perhaps the reference is regarding the clichéd last line: “…swallows pride…throws himself”, (There are few other points in this piece that could be considered clichéd, but it still held my interest overall) although I think “wind that ends his night” can take several metaphorical directions. (Not sure why you capped “wind”) I hadn’t even noticed the change of tense. It can be easily remedied with changes in S2-L2&3. Example: “He stamps, shouts, snorts and begs Demands an answer why” I was drawn, as I usually am initially, to the meter. I noticed that every stanza begins with a trochee. The rest of the lines in S1 are iambic, but it flows smoothly from the first to second line. The next two stanzas could mimic this by simply dropping some unnecessary words: S2-L1, “high” L4, “And” I’d prefer a more nonspecific “an answer why” in place of “the answer why” S3-L2, “a” (I’d actually prefer it to read, “As hawk, he can take flight”) It seems smoother, but that’s only my opinion. L3, the first “and” The last line would still end longer than the previous stanzas’ final lines, but in my mind, this often adds rather than detracts. Hand gliding? Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Copperbell Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956 |
I am referring to fighting change - the "who moved my cheese" - "why is this happening" part of life. The wind is the One who enables him to fly and when he flies he has the precise ability to accomplish great things (like the hawk) which he would'nt have known had the mountain experience never happened. Nor would he have found had he never jumped. I see a few cliches that I didn't notice before - you are good at picking that out, Sid. (that's one thing I've been watching for in my writing since following this critique section) Thanks for the specifics - I'll be using some of them - now I just need to find out what the heck iambic and trochee is (specifically) |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Bell, Keep Bob’s Byway in your bookmarks. http://www.poeticbyway.com/glossary.html. and take heart: For someone who claims not to know much about form—especially meter, you've shown a pretty good feel for it. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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