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Unheard in the Late Waning Moon
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Unheard in the Late Waning Moon |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Not the loud whistling of duck’s feathers as they drop swiftly, braking hard just before settling on the pond Not the whir of mourning dove’s wings as they break from the seed feeder when you turn the corner Not the high pitch of the hawk’s quills whose speed of attack in noisy day requires no masking in descent Mere rush of dark air caresses the cheek as soft edged wing span swoops by Owl, unsensed, until he is past |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This made me recall something I had read about owls being among the most silent of predators—certainly of raptors. I’ve read where scientists are now attempting to study their feathers in order to learn more about their stealth abilities. At first, I wondered where you were going with this, but it held my interest and then you summed it up well in the final stanza. Your meter is a bit bumpy however and you need a better word for “unsensed”, such as undetected. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Gourdmad~ This held my interest with the creativity of your thoughts~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I will just give an overall impression of this as being much weaker than your other work I have read here, much I considered Excellent. |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
I think it contains some neat language, and of course there's the ending ... but wintertao seems to think you're capable of better... I think he's probably right. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
There will be many that fall below a reader’s expectations and far too many that will fall below our own. But if the only comments a critic, on a critiquing forum, can offer are vague ones such as: “You can do better.” He/she is as much as slighting the writer and the readers of the forum. For, if that critic feels a work is below an author’s usual standards, he/she should be willing to offer a reason, whereby we may all learn. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
Like the idea: some bits I have doubts about. 'The whir of mourning dove's wings'- what's a mourning dove? Might be better 'the mourning/mournful whir of doves' wings' but you'd still have the problem that whirring isn't a particularly mourning or mournful sound. Doves' rather than dove's, of course. Third stanza, the lines 'whose speed of attack in noisy day/requires no masking in descent' seems a bit clumsy. You're stressing the sensual impact of the birds - 'whistle', 'whir', 'rush'- and this stanza has 'pitch of quills' which is too diluted for me, too weak. It's the 'day' that's noisy, rather than the hawk, though 'requires no masking in descent' implies a real sound's coming from the diving bird. I think this stanza could be simplified to make it as accessible as the others and to bring the dynamic feeling/sound engendered by the bird into line with what you've accomplished in the other two stanzas, a contrast to the silent, understated owl. It's maybe me, but in the last stanza you're saying that the owl's unnoticed till it's passed and yet in line two you're identifying what 'the rush of dark air' is as a 'soft edged wing span'. (Why not just wing? I'm not sure a wing span swoops) I would be inclined to drop the second line altogether: a mere rush of dark air (mere rush? maybe rush or mere rush could be substituted with a word more in keeping with the image - whisper?) caressing the cheek, owl, unsensed until it's passed. Hope this makes some kind of sense. Terrible title by the way. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Titles are always the hardest part for me. I view them as necessary evils, acknowledge this is an especially bad one. I was going for louder wing sound thru to no wing sound. Mourning dove, is the name of a specific dove, (dict."a dove, zenaidura macroura, of North America, so called from its plaintive cooing"). It has a very distinct wing sound when taking off, different than a pigeon, perhaps not a whir but what...? If you run your finger down the edge of a hawk quill, it is stiff. An owl quill, on the other hand, as mentioned by cynicsRus, is very soft and offers no resistance, hence no sound. Which at night it is a world more of sound than sight, and silence of attack more needed. What I have failed to convey is that the owl is considered a harbinger of death, in, but perhaps not limited to, Lakota and Italian culture. I happen to know that, so it makes sense to me, but doesn't come across at all, on rereading with zen mind. Having said that the "mourning dove" is one unit, I also did want "mourning" to sort of anticipate the death omen thing, but it so way understated in the owl verse as to be nonexistent. Have to think about this one for a while. The air from the owl wing reaches you after the owl has passed, should you ever have the experience of one cruising you in the dark, which I did once and it was a vivid experience. The whisper suggestion is very good. Definitely going to use that. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: This is the one thing I felt you were at least attempting to convey in this piece; that, next to an owl’s, the sound of any other bird’s wings by comparison would seem as a much louder cacophonous shrill, whir, whistle, etc. A Mourning Dove taking wing definitely causes a sort of whirring sound. Very unique and unmistakable. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Been puzzling on the title thing. how about Deathsound |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Isn't that a rock band? Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Could be. I never listen to rock, fairly ignorant about it. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Deathsound? Nasty. Rockband or teen angst poem. Neither suits the poem.  K |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Ok. One more try. Last Sonance Not the loud whistling of duck’s feathers as they drop swiftly, braking hard just before settling on the pond Not the whir of mourning dove’s wings as they break from the seed feeder when you turn the corner Not the high pitch of the hawk’s quills whose speed of attack in noisy day requires no masking in descent Whisper of dark air caresses the cheek as soft edged wing span swoops by Owl, unsensed, until it is past |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
Good. Still don't think the final two lines in stanzas 1 and 3 are quite fluid enough. 'Just before settling' seems a bit clumsy. Why not simplify it to something like 'braking hard on the cool surface of the pond'or something that flows better. 'Whose speed of attack in noisy day/requires no masking in descent'seems similarly overcrammmed to me. Better title. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I actually still prefer the earlier version over this—including the title, which helps set the stage. I agree that parts of it still seem rough, but think it’s mostly in the overall cadence. And, I still don’t like “unsensed” Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com |
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