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Holding On
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Holding On |
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TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
Entrapping monkeys isn't hard to do: You pick a fully ripened coconut and drill a hole about an inch or two, then spill the milk from where you made the cut. Now take some rice and pour it in the fruit and tie the bait securely to a tree. It won't be long til monkeys are enroute to eat the sweetened rice. I guarantee that when the monkey puts his hand inside, he won't let go. (It's not that he cannot.) His tight, constricted fist is far too wide to fit back through the hole and thus is caught. When holding on, we do as monkeys do; by letting go, unburdened hands pass through. Poetry is the sculpting of words. We ALL start with a lump of clay. [This message has been edited by TwistedKnickers (01-06-2004 02:43 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Catherine - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I liked this very much and thought it very creative up until the end. all this can be cut > and thus is caught. When holding on, we do as monkeys do. By letting go, unburdened hands pass through. < If you dont want it to end before this work on the ending...leave a little mystery in the air... just my 2 cents, one loony tunes opinion. |
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TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
Thanx Winter... I know how much you like mysterious endings  , but this a sonnet and I must keep it in form: abab cdcd efef gg. The first 3 strophes should tell the story or create the debate and the last 2 lines should come to the conclusion or at least tie the rest together. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.Cat |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
aye.... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Nice job Cat. I admit to being a sonnet junkie but this is still nice. Your rhyme and meter are perfect, but you, of course, knew that already. You have enough enjambment to keep it from sounding trivial. Also, the turn is quite good and was completely unexpected. Some may argue that the turn should be at line 9 but I do recall that it can be 9 or 13. And, in a way, you do hint at a turn at 9. Of course, it is not the one you actually exposed at 13. One little nit though. Well, maybe not so little. L9 starts a new sentence and should be capitalized as your others are, I'm sure just a typo. More seriously though, beginning the sentence with "that" makes it a fragment and "that" really doesn't make sence here either. Could you have intended "then" or something related instead? One more really minor point. The period on L13 bothered me a little. Since the couplet is so closely related I wonder if a semicolon, or compound sentence, would be better. Like I said, a really small point. So far, dignity intact Pete |
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TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
Thanx Pete... I know it's not a topic that one usually finds within the form of sonnet, but I wanted to see how it would go over. It's actually an old African fable, complete with moral at the end. And yes, a lot of monkeys have very small hands as opposed to apes which have hands the size of humans' or larger. Line 9 isn't the beginning of the sentence, Pete; the sentence actually begins on line 8. Only the strophe begins on line 9. I was kind of wondering about that one though, because the phrase "I guarantee" could have been used in either the beginning of L9 or the ending of L8. I agree completely about the semi-colon at the end of L13. I'll put it in now...for Pete's sake. hehe. |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
makes you wonder,,,,,are we the monkey,,or the rice,,,,in life Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Fable, shmable. I have seen the same trick put forth in an older US Army tropical survival guide. You do tie the coconut to something, then when the monkey is stuck, jump out and grab him. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I see the sentence beginning now. Nice enjambment that just slipped right by me. My bad. It's fine as is. Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
I thought this a very nice and fun-to-read sonnet, and the last few lines give a strong finish without too much cheesiness and just enough wisdom to make it 90% work. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is good, except for the couplet. Ending with an expository remark that the poem is about 'us' isn't really telling us anything we don't already know. Maybe attempt a reversal and show the positive side of holding on? Just a thought. |
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