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Critical Analysis #2
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model in a bottle
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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model in a bottle |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
model in a bottle doesn't she dare doesn't she there. you. to come out on... bottle in the model couldn't she care couldn't she frere. tu. l'espere mon epouse... [This message has been edited by b.costen (01-09-2004 11:07 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 ben costen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I think if I was drunk I would really like this....so I like it !  No...seriuosslily.... expand on this...I don't think you pull off the power you are looking for in these few lines. I love short poetry, read and write it often, and if your going to do it you gotta kick hard. This is almost there, but not quite. My suggestion would be to add a 2nd stanza, that should be all you need. Very Promising, imo. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I like short poems too...I think you've weakened this one by the repetition of the second line. I think the fullstops after there and you are too heavy. It also looks awkward in a visual sense... It lacks cohesion and doesn't quite say enough.. but it has potential. Lots.  K |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
added a second stanza, i know part of its french (even tho i'm not), and probably less than you expected... but hey you asked not I. let me know what you think... if you're still hanging around so what's it going to be then, eh? |
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