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Critical Analysis #2

THE DANCE

alan6501
Member

since 2004-01-03

Posts 89
PA

0 posted 2004-01-03 02:51 AM

YOU
(THIS IS HOW I DANCE)

I am not good at dancing
And I sometimes choke on what I do
But I am good at loving
And that’s why I love you

I am not always the best judge
When it comes to making peace
But I am loyal and truthful
And the desire will never cease

I know I sometimes want too much
And it never seems enough
But I have felt your heartbeat
And I yearn for your touch

I know the future’s murky
And we don’t know what’s in store
But our hands are held together
And the fear should be no more

I want to learn each part of you
And everything in between
But we are perfect just right now
And I love what I have seen

I am not good at expressing
My feelings in a poem
But I can try my hardest
As long as I’m not alone

I am not good at dancing
And I sometimes choke on what I do
But I am good at loving
And that’s why I love you

-Alan Stallsmith

Tell me what you think!

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

1 posted 2004-01-03 01:07 PM

I like this one as well...I think the ending is weak though...you could cut the whole final stanza and prehaps also one of the others in the body and have a stronger tighter poem, imo.

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

2 posted 2004-01-04 02:20 PM

Nice attempt at meter and rhyme that doesn't come across as forced as so many do.

>And I sometimes choke on what I do<

Drop the first "I", it will fit better

sometimes choke on what I do
But I am good at loving
And that’s why I love you

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