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Lemon Strawberries
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Lemon Strawberries |
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A B S T R A C T Junior Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 27-=NYC=- |
I posted this in one of the other forums, but after about fifteen simple replies, I decided to post it here. Tall emeralds emerge in a field Prized by wise giants Every stalk’s value to us is sealed In a world that is defiant To teachings wealthy but dressed in rags Whose pockets are full of green gems Perceived to be mossy rocks kicked by forest stags Seen blindly for they are life’s stem So such lessons are rarely learned Diamonds deemed glass Wealth, scale of life for which we yearn Weighed to determine class Strawberry shrub, vibrant in red appeal Appetizing for this hour Turns like seasons to yellow, a new fruit revealed A lemon, large but sour What do you think? |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
OK...I read this several times and heres my 2 cents...I like it but it could be called abstract as well...it reads like words that have no real connection were pulled out of a dictionary and strung together just for effect. If thats what you were going for you pulled it off well. It reads ok, a quick hit, but I didn't learn anything and have already forgot it. There were creative flashes in there I just think it needs some serious editing and focus. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Seems fairly straightforward in its attempt- life's true gems unperceived by those who mistake wealth for class; the transitory pleasures of today turn sour. Don't judge a book by its cover, takes vision to see lasting value. If that is indeed the idea, then for me it sort of works until you get to the strawberry shrub/lemon thing. Strawberries grow on low herbaceous plants, perennial but not woody. The strawberry shrub is very specifically calycanthus floridus, and that is a very specific image for me. It doesn't bear fruit. Then to contrast that with lemon as being sour - well, even if it wasn't the whole c. floridus thing, sour refers to acidic taste, and strawberries are also acidic. And lemons aren't really that big a turnoff as far as taste goes, if you are trying to conjure a negative image. So it is a sour to sour image, which doesn't carry the concept. Red to yellow also doesn't really convey that much of a nectar in the beginning, poison in the end image. I would suggest a major rewrite of the last four lines. Fresh grapes and sour grapes, apple and wormy apple, apple and quince, or completely break and make up mythical fruits to get that contrast of sweet with sour, tasty/distasteful. Of course, I may be completely missing the point. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Gourd said it better than I could and that was pretty much my impression too. I know how strawberries and lemons grow but that's about the extent of my knowledge on the subject. I also agree on the contrast not working as well as you presumably intended. But, though strawberries are indeed acidic, we do think of them usually as much sweeter than lemons. So maybe it worked for me better than Gourd. But I still think I would work on it from that perspective. I think it can be better. I also thought many of the rhymes felt at least a little forced. This was somewhat masked by the irregular meter and uneven line lengths. I think some of the critics here would suggest dropping the rhyme entirely but I still prefer rhyming, metered poetry so I won't do that. JMHO, Pete |
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A B S T R A C T Junior Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 27-=NYC=- |
- E X P L A N A T I O N - Tall emeralds emerge in a field Prized by wise giants Green symbolizes life and the green field with the emerald grass is life. The field is life and the emeralds (the grass) are all of the "things" in life. These emeralds are prized (since they are gems) only by the wise giants. The giants are simply wise people, giants because they are wise. Basically, they prize life. Every stalk’s value to us is sealed In a world that is defiant The value of life is not known to people because the world is defiant to... To teachings wealthy but dressed in rags Whose pockets are full of green gems ...the teachings of these wise people, wealthy not because they are rich (dressed in rags) but because they know that life is more than these material things. People do not seem to think so, making them defiant to these teachings. They want these material things. The green gems, with green symbolizing life and the gems symbolizing the good things, the spiritual things, make these wise giants rich in spirit. Perceived to be mossy rocks kicked by forest stags Seen blindly for they are life’s stem These gems, such as the wealth of spirit, are seen as stupid things or are overlooked, perceived as valueless mossy rocks (just regular green rocks, not gems) that are kicked around by forest stags (kicked around as if its nothing). These stags, dwellers of the green forest, the forest being life, the stags being people. These rocks are seen blindly because these rocks are not just mossy stones but the things that make life. So such lessons are rarely learned Diamonds deemed glass Wealth, scale of life for which we yearn Weighed to determine class These lessons that are carried by the green gems by the giants are rarely learned because everyone wants happiness through wealth. Diamonds are these lessons, seen as glass, just cheap shards. Wealth is what most yearn for and is weighed to determine your class. Strawberry shrub, vibrant in red appeal Appetizing for this hour Turns like seasons to yellow, a new fruit revealed A lemon, large but sour The poem continues to portray life through nature with lemons and strawberries. A strawberry is very vibrant, being red, making it appealing to most. These strawberries are wealth. They are wanted for this hour, just for now. They turn to lemons, and although they are large and have much fruit (representing wealth through quantity), they are sour. Like the seasons mentioned, life changes, and this wealth may turn into something not very desirable because some event may occur that will force you to see life beyond wealth (such as death in the family, loss of your legs, etc.). Lemon strawberries - although the strawberries (wealth) are there, they are now sour (lemon). So what good are they now? Thanks for all of the advice. This was not just thrown together, this took me quite some time (although I agree that it is not perfect). This took me a little less than three hours. Just take a look at the assonance and consonance (I was experimenting with them). [This message has been edited by A B S T R A C T (01-02-2004 07:54 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Nice explanation, but if one needed to post an interpretation next to every poem he or she wrote, that would be a bit distracting for the reader and, for the most part, ruin the fun of poetry. It would be like hearing interviews of athletes or other competitors who seem to make a habit of losing games. No one wants to listen to them. If you can’t make clear the intent or direction of your premise by the very metaphors or at least by the way you’ve ordered your words, your poetry has simply failed. This isn’t to say you don’t at least have the beginnings of some interesting imagery here--as has already been pointed out. You’ve simply failed to weave it into an interesting pattern, overall. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (01-03-2004 03:13 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yes, I think a required explanation that is 20 times longer than the poem is an indication that it is much more obscure than metaphorical. |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
The GREAT OZ HAS SPOKEN ~Seth |
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A B S T R A C T Junior Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 27-=NYC=- |
Thank you for all of the feedback and advice. When I was writing this, I expected people to be aware that green represents life and for them to pick it up from there. But you're right, I should have hinted at its meaning much more. I provided the explanation to show that this was not some thoughtless string of words pulled out of a dictionary but a strong attempt at writing something good. BTW, what do you mean, Seth? Are you referring to the emerald grasses? Quite honestly, I did not even have that in mind while I wrote it and you just brought it to my attention. Thanks for all of the advice. [This message has been edited by A B S T R A C T (01-03-2004 11:34 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Seth, do you have a personal problem or what? |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
looks at seth, not a poet and the crew* haha, whew. |
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