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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona 
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low my devient fixation that makes uncomfortable the smiles from your mothers lip your hips the way you sway and churn the time we made open windows at night close the door so the light won't show our naked- ness lest beast and father see our well kempt leather seats that smell unvale inhale your sticky sweet laid low ~Seth Happy New Year! Don't drink to much and don't drink two little.  |
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| © Copyright 2003 Joshua Douglas Hurst - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I liked it Seth...I thought it was strongest thru the first half and got a little weaker and less creative as it drew to a close...just my 2 cents. But I did like it alot just the way it is as well anyway. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Since I’ve commented on a similar format previously, it seems only fair that I make my opinion known on this one as well: Reading so slowly down a page is more than a little distracting and I’m of the opinion that this is done in an attempt to add interest to an otherwise lackluster poem. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
and some people are just smart asses Can i say that? |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Not really rich-pa...now that's hardly an appropriate critique is it? In fact - I don't see a critique at all from you...hmmm (looking) ..nope just a snide remark that could read as an attack on a member. You have a problem? Why don't you email me and we'll talk about it. If not? No more of the above please. Thanks K |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
Thanks CynicsRUS for your honesty. I know you were not meaning to offend. This is after all a critique forum. And to all of you....thanks for giving me the time of day and reading my poem. It does need a lot of work...particularly in the line break dept. Whether or not I give this one another go remains to be seen. have a wonderfull night....I shall continue having drinks and conversation with my long lost love.(now found) Oh and one more thing....CynicsRUS, I'll be writing your epitaph so be nice! hehehe ~Seth |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Judging by your poem, I’m going to need a very tall tombstone. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (01-04-2004 03:46 AM).] |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
>>quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh and one more thing....CynicsRUS, I'll be writing your epitaph so be nice! hehehe -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Judging by your poem, I’m going to need a very tall tombstone.<< HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (tears spurting from eyes, side aching from laughter) That is the funniest thing I have ever read on this forum. That wit is so dry, I made raisins with it. (and please, this is no comment on the poem, just the exchange that followed it) |
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TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
Hello seth... Upon reading this piece in my own voice,without the breaks, I find it a rather good read. This needs to be rewitten with punctuation and sensible breaks. As it is, this poem begs to read in the voice of William Shatner, not William Shakespeare. A little more thought to how the reader reads will make this a much better piece. If you insert too many breaths into a poem, ultimately, none of them become very important, and your reader becomes nothing but breathless. Hope this helps. Cat [This message has been edited by TwistedKnickers (01-04-2004 03:22 PM).] |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
I'll draft up a copy and place it on open poetry so you can see the final copy cynicsRUS....the final will be posted on one of the stones from stonehenge. As far as the poem is concerned I'll work on the line breaks and removing som e of the last lines that I am no longer fond of. Lesson one: Do not post when anything less than sober. ~Seth |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Good lesson  |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
After reading this a few times, I had to agree with TK regarding the poem itself. It's really not such a bad one. I just tend to become very distracted with the single-word line formatting that seems to be more of a novelty. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (01-04-2004 10:05 PM).] |
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