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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Roses in the streets |
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rabab New Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 8Ontario, Canada |
The battle I watch The giant and the small, Their swords drawn; Eyes red, with their hunger for blood, Bloodying each other, For all to watch. Bodies lying around in the streets, Wives looking for their fallen mate, As Mothers weep for her lost child. My warriors dance around in joy, Around the fires that they light. Dancing and screaming, Telling me to join. Cause this all for me, For My right and my life. I want to scream, Tell them to stop; Not in my name, or my own¡¯s. Why will not my warriors see? All I want is roses in the streets. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Kazi Muhaimen Ahmed - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
this is very good...I would suggest playing around different formatting styles...try not Capping the first letter in every line. breaking the poem down into dif sections, maybe even swapping the order of some lines |
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martiniat8 Senior Member
since 2003-06-21
Posts 897Prague, Bohemia, Czech Republic |
Such a sad poem. I found roses in my street maybe somewhere out there, there are some. Till then, Heres one for you. @}-- |
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Mary Ann Member
since 2003-04-23
Posts 111 |
It is a good message in the poem...captivating imagery  Best wishes, MA |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
L2: “The” is redundant, L3: “Their” is unnecessary, L4: “Their” is redundant, L5: “Bloodying” is redundant, L6: This entire line is unnecessary, L8: “mate” should be plural, L9: “child” should be plural, L10: “around” is unnecessary, L11: “Around” is redundant as written, (unless you eliminate the word in L10), L12: “Dancing” is redundant, L14: I’m not sure if you are saying; “Because this is all for me,” or “Caused this all for me”? L18: I have a pretty good idea of the word that seems to be edited here. You might consider finding a more suitable one for this board, so that the reader can follow. There is nothing really noteworthy about this. The premise proves convoluted at L17 when the reader must ask a few curious questions: If these are his warriors; how then did they get to be so loyal to him if he is reluctant to go into battle with them? How did the heart of this subject become so opposed to the things “his warriors” now firmly stand for—which, by the way he had to have taught them, as their leader? How was this subject so willing to follow them into battle and then not share in the victory? Such things shouldn’t be open to question if your poem is truly successful. You must either develop it from a new perspective or make it longer to answer these questions. In my opinion though, making it longer will only serve to make it more tedious than it already is. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (01-04-2004 12:33 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sid, I don't think anything has been edited, at least not after it was posted. Looks more to me like one of those things that MS Word does to a document? Pete |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
My mistake then, Pete. I guess I took a bit of liberty filling in with a word according to my own imagination I thought that's how it looks with a Monitor edit. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Unless it looks different on your comp than mine, a moderator edit should look like "[Edit by moderator]" or sometimes just "[Edit]" then you should also have the "Edited by ..." line at the bottom whether edited by a moderator or the author. Hope you had a good Christmas and New Year  |
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rabab New Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 8Ontario, Canada |
I would like to thank everyone who had taken the time to read my poem and have been nice enough to post their replies......... Happy holidays...... |
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