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mysticpoe
Senior Member

since 2003-02-28

Posts 883

0 posted 2003-12-29 11:40 PM

It’s been five years, (since)
the fields and the grave.
The falling apples-
the pears –
of there.
Upon this eve
a dousing swear,
the subtle moments,
the solemn prayer.
Endless-Forever
you know
the stare-
of moon light- strayed,
your kingship played.
The columned lair, and
Moon slipped veil-
those inevitable lines,
from my cherished vines.
Calling my whisper,
You asked my name.
I know, you know
we are the same.
I am the one
who watered the seed,
the darkness in light.
The Moon Man
and me.

Seth
Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 74
Arizona

1 posted 2003-12-31 03:43 PM

Wow. I really dig this. Perhaps when I reach a point able to be mistaken for sobriety I shall criticaly analyze.

~Seth

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

2 posted 2004-01-01 02:59 PM

I like this...I think you may want to consider not using the - so often in the poem...once, twice is pushing it but it appears 5 times. I would also cut out all but one use of the word moon in the body of the poem. Find alternatives. The word moon is so over used in poetry because it's a beautiful feel good word but it's over use starts to wear on me because I read so much poetry.

[This message has been edited by wintertao (01-01-2004 03:00 PM).]

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

3 posted 2004-01-03 04:36 PM

To expand on what wintertao has offered: You could make this much more effective with simple changes. i.e., dropping “the” in lines 2,4,8,9 and 15, (although the word actually strengthens lines 2 and 12, IMO); dropping “those” in line 17; dropping “from” in line 18.
Other than these, very minor distractions, it flows nicely and I personally wouldn’t change anything else. It’s a very compelling read. Thanks for posting.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (01-03-2004 05:11 PM).]

mysticpoe
Senior Member

since 2003-02-28

Posts 883

4 posted 2004-01-05 11:02 AM

Thanks everyone for stopping by.

* Seth, Thanks for the kind words, I have a longer original version in the OPEN forum from , I'd say a few weeks ago, and go ahead and critique!

* Wintertao, I agree, Moon is common. But it's so beautiful, your right. Thanks for the critique.

* CynicsRus, I agree with you also. "THE", being used too much. When I originally write, I go prose. Then bring to poe. The, the's seemed to follow alot. Thanks for the critique.

wayne

If nothing is something
then everything is
our thoughts and feelings
and all that exists.

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