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Dusk Treader

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN

0 posted 2002-01-14 09:24 PM

Limitless vaults of life
Pricked by golden lamps
Sparkling, floating in twain,
Solitaire or great fleets
Burning unheralded
Imparting warmth to dark space
Connecting Creation’s Lace:
Threads in maps of destiny

Two lost threads unspun
Caressed by Black Winds,
Vessels on shivered pinions
Enticed to Fate’s Gravity,
Orbit in human compassions
Facades crumbled
‘Neath gazes star spangled
With angels entangled

Tempestual friction
Black Wind wailing
Bends not life’s lace
Molested vessels still sailing
Swiftly through years
Experiences in motley shades
Of flames that never fades

I'm thinking of sending this one in for a contest that could earn me a scholarship and I'd really appreciate some help to make this top-notch. I don't regularly participate here as I don't often write poetry. I was having some problems tying the first paragraph to the second, but I hope I have accomplished that. If you see anything else that is in need of a little tune up (or outright scrapping) please tell me! My thanks.

"A hard, cold wisom is required for goodness to accomplish good. Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil" - Robert Heinlein

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

1 posted 2002-01-18 03:32 PM

Well, you need punctuation.
And every line doesn't need
capitalization unless it begins a new
sentence, but
of course that is just
a matter of pereference I guess
there is too much description here
and nothing really in the way of
a complete sentence to actually
tell what is going on.
It all sounds good, images are great,
I sense some forced rhyme
"spangled, entangled"

Truthfully, I didn't understand it.

I would begin by eliminating
so many modifiers and making
the nouns and verbs work and
I mean work.

You have so much going on here
warmth, flames, lamps
but then we have threads, vessels
fate, orbits, vessels

What are these two lost threads?
Are they in outer space?
what are the vaults?

My questions are endless.

I don't know if this helps or
not!!

One last thing before you hate me

the meter is off, reading it
I had no sense of meter at all,
now I know this is free verse
but still, there should be a flow
and I didn't feel it.

choose the metaphor, which I believe
you already have in the lace-space
and tell us what's going on?

Kathleen--(Kay)
A true friend does not love you for who you are, but in spite of who you are." -- Caroline Tran

[This message has been edited by Irish Rose (01-18-2002 03:33 PM).]

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

2 posted 2002-01-22 10:02 AM

I didn't understand what you were trying to relate. Alot of imagery for what purpose? Example, why "black wind?" Why not gray or brown. What is black wind supposed to symbolize? I also found incomplete and choppy sentence structures.

Good luck.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2002-01-25 04:24 PM

Opeth said:

"I also found incomplete and choppy sentence structures."

I think this is the biggest problem. Don't forget that linebreaks work best, most of the time, when they are in conjunction with a syntax that's readable without linebreaks. It creates a tension in the way people read.

Yes, there are techniques that minimize this tension, but I don't see how that helps you get across what you want to get across in this case.

thanks,
Brad

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