Critical Analysis #2 |
![]() ![]() |
Hollow |
![]() ![]() ![]() |
Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. ![]() |
This is the first finished draft. I always revise as I write but think this may need some input. Let me know what you think. In the credit where credit is due collumn, this was inspired by a tale and artwork by Kelley Hensing. You can find some of her work at Wickiearts.com Hollow The seed fell on fertile ground Rich with the loam of past regrets. Watered by the tears of stillborn dreams, It rooted. The shoot was sickly and green. The sapling had no love for the sun But struggled toward it To survive. Over the years, it grew tall. Its girth became vast. Through the canopy of the forest It arose. Sprouting from a single seed, It overshadowed the forest Plunging its fellow trees In darkness. Wanting only to survive, The forest gathered its forces Plotted its actions And rebelled. The roots of the forest split the earth. They whispered to one another, And finding the cause of their shadow, They acted. Striking at the heart of this monstrosity The forest fed on the tree’s marrow. Now, tainted in its revenge, It hungers. Once, I heard the forest’s whispers And quickly lost my way. Now I search for release In darkness The old, great tree still stands. Shards of bark fall from my fingers. It feels just like me: Hollow This is a repost from CA #1 The noblest battles are always fought in vain |
||
© Copyright 2002 Darren Lausa - All Rights Reserved | |||
mauddib Member
since 2002-01-12
Posts 119melbourne australia |
This is just to let you know that I like and have read this poem. For constructive comments i will reserve for later on and I will return. I love the topic One small point, we know from the first stanza that there is one seed. To repeat the imformation later on, i think the fourth stanza maybe superfluous slightly. |
||
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I guess I found this a little dry. This isn't an uncommon story- the underdog overcomes and stands taller than its peers. I think you could do something more interesting with it- I like the idea that it only goes to the sun because it wants to survive, and later on, the forest plots against it only because it wants to survive- I think you could play up on the survival idea some more, and flesh this out a bit. Hope I've helped. "I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow |
||
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Two quick suggestions: 1. After the first person, show the growth from the seedling's point of view, use first person personification, it might create more tension than you have here. 2. Drop the 'me' part in the last stanza, that adds nothing except to tell us that this is a metaphor and we already know that. thanks, Brad |
||
![]() ![]() |
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
![]() ![]() ![]() |
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. |