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kaile
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singapore

0 posted 2000-04-04 10:22 PM


Reflections on a rainy day

Loud funky drum beats
Bright flashes paint pitch dark sky
Party angels dance

i do wonder if i convey accurately across what i want the drum beats and bright flashes mean....did i? do tell me what u interpret by the first 2 lines ")

© Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved
Denise
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since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

1 posted 2000-04-04 10:45 PM


I interpreted it to mean thunder and lightning? Am I right?

Denise

KimW
Member
since 2000-03-04
Posts 268
Medford, Oregon, USA
2 posted 2000-04-05 12:12 PM


I Interpreted it much like Denise did. And thought this was a wonderful little Haiku  

Kim

Swåmp¤Faerÿie
Member
since 2000-03-29
Posts 358
Illinois
3 posted 2000-04-05 12:29 PM


Blacklight disco concert??¿

 And there she weaves by night and day,
a magic web of colours gay.~Tennyson

childomine
Senior Member
since 2000-01-25
Posts 818
st. petersburg, FL
4 posted 2000-04-05 10:09 AM


I too interpret thunder and lightning.  My mom never told me it was fun stuff, like the Angels dancing.   She always said it was God bowling.  
Kitty_Fett
Junior Member
since 2000-03-02
Posts 35

5 posted 2000-04-05 10:51 AM


Tells the truth that even angels have to have some fun some time in their lives!  

The night went on and on...

songwater
Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 32
Marietta,Ga.
6 posted 2000-04-05 10:54 AM


It reminds me of rain on a tin roof collecting in a water barrel during a thunder storm...Relaxing....

 ?


Gene
Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935
Colorado, USA
7 posted 2000-04-05 12:40 PM


"Blacklight disco" LOL

Kaile,

Actually, until I read the whole thing, the first image I got was "rock music" because of the "Loud funky drums."

This is a wonderful haiku, but if I can make one suggestion...
Since a haiku should give one an "instant picture," I would get rid of "Loud funky."

I would change the first line to "Heavenly drumbeats"  That would give it a beautiful ethereal image--since that is what i think you had in mind--only a suggestion.

~Gene



[This message has been edited by u_gene (edited 04-05-2000).]

kaile
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singapore
8 posted 2000-04-08 05:03 AM


i meant it to be thunder and lightning...
thank u guys for reading this one....i love the "blacklight disco concert"!!!LOL

yes,u_gene,"heavenly" is definitely a much better word but i think i will keep "loud funky" cos i want pp to interpret it as a child who is actually quite scared of thunder but has associated it with something he likes(rock music)...and so he isn't afraid of the thunder anymore.....

okay, i only stared writing haiku recently and i am still a beginner...am i right in wanting to put across this idea? ")

kaile
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9 posted 2000-10-09 04:36 AM


i seem to have lost my muse for writing haikus..sob sob..but when i look at some of my previous works, i am glad i did venture out to attempt this wonderful japanese poetry

i remember being proud of this senryu and i still am


Dennis L. White
Senior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 1463
Michigan, U.S.A.
10 posted 2000-10-09 03:48 PM


Kaile,
  And proud you should be, you've captured a moment of noise and lights, compressed into these three lines. Don't stop expressing your images in haiku form, friend.
Dennis :^)

Moonbeams radiate
When the veiling cloud has passed
Playful shadows dance

Dennis L. White :^)



Moon Dust
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since 1999-06-11
Posts 2177
Skelmersdale, UK
11 posted 2000-10-09 04:48 PM


Actully it made me think of fireworks. Very pretty

Sometimes you have to let go and move on,
But never let go of the memories.


kcsgrandma
Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522
Presque Isle, ME
12 posted 2000-10-09 11:57 PM


Yes, well done!  Dont't give up because of a little dry spell, if you'll pardon the expression.  

To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Les Miserables

Marilyn

kaile
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singapore
13 posted 2000-10-10 01:28 AM


thanks all for replying..now if only my muse will come back..miss those haikus lots sigh
Mon Cherie
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since 2001-10-31
Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers
14 posted 2001-12-05 01:54 AM


Yeah... I thot this was abt a rock concert, what with the funky drumbeats, the light flashing, and the dancers.

If this is supposed to be about thunder and lightning, then what does angelic dancers mean? rain??

_,,,^.^,,,_
Florence

passing shadows
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since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
15 posted 2004-08-19 02:21 AM



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