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Fishing in the springs with my RC and peanuts
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Fishing in the springs with my RC and peanuts |
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BloomingRose Member Elite
since 2000-08-09
Posts 3092Florida 
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Fishing In The Springs ~*~ Warm spring morning calls squirming worms in a bucket as bubbling crystal clear springs summons fishing poles to cast bait my cold RC sweats in anticipation of the wait while wise large Brim knowingly debate baby Brim attack, eager to be the first to catch the worm guess I'll drink my RC and eat my peanuts BloomingRose |
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| © Copyright 2001 DebraS. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
quote: I really enjoyed this poem, BR! You have used good imagery and this isn't the average style - innovation is usually a good thing.  I have a couple of suggestions: I think that perhaps in this line: summons fishing poles to cast bait the word 'summons' might work better as 'summon' - the two plurals 'springs/summons' don't sound right back to back - and it is made even more awkward by the sibilance in the rest of the line. Also, I wonder why you have a comma here: 'baby Brim attack,' when you don't have any other punctuation? It's kinda out of place lol... One other thing: 'eager to be the first to catch' I just feel that this line is a little mundane...I think that if you changed the word 'catch' to something more poetic/original it would brighten the whole line up... anywho, on the whole I liked this very much. Thanks for the opportunity to critique your work - and Oscar is the MAN.  K...and I have found a lifetime can be lived in one moment... |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
What a great picture this brought to mind Deb ~ and a few great memories... love this. Bonnie |
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BloomingRose Member Elite
since 2000-08-09
Posts 3092Florida |
Severn~ Thank you for taking the time to read. I appreciate the advice. It's been a long time since I was in school. I admit I was not one to open a book if I could help it. Shame on me, it shows! Bonnie~ Thank you. I always did like to fish and it's spring here in Florida, so it's that time of year. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked this very much.....cept for Rc....haha that stuff tastes like cheap coke.....ewwwwwwww... I truly enjoyed this poem. I thought it was written well. It managed to soothe me....very well done.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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