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A Broken Girl's Heart(first pantoum...pls help)
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A Broken Girl's Heart(first pantoum...pls help) |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Rays of warmth aglow Attempting to mend a broken girl's heart Strong hands tender outstretched Filling up abyssal void in vain Attempting to mend a broken girl's heart An Herculean effort it is deemed Filling up abyssal void in vain For her parents have perished in their prime An Herculean effort it is deemed Erasing her sorrow is an uphill task For her parents have perished in their prime Her zest for life has vaporized with their deaths Erasing her sorrow is an uphill task For she is wedged deep in her despair Her zest for life has vaporized with their deaths She is left cold and lonely on this world For she is wedged deep in her despair It tears my heart to see her so She is left cold and lonely on this world I yearn for her spirits to be rekindled with my love It tears my heart to see her so Strong hands tender outstretched I yearn for her spirits to be rekindled with my love Rays of warmth aglow Learn to write a pantoum in Nan's poetry workshop  |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
Clever. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
comments pls...this is my first attempt and will like to know if i have done this well enough thanx in advance |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Ok kaile, here goes, but promise you won't strangle me  You have a theme and that's very good. You also repeated the lines in the correct order as required with pantoum, closing with your first line. Very good again  But....the first and third line, and the second and fourth line of each stanza are supposed to rhyme. Furthermore all lines are supposed to have the same amount of syllables, meaning you choose a 6 or 8 or whatever you like best beat and carry it throughout your pantoum. LOL I won't even mention different types of meter, because I get lost there myself....hehe. (Ask Nan if you'd really like to know)Here's the link to the pantoum workshop. It may help you. /pip/Forum22/HTML/000025.html For a first attempt at pantoum you did very well !!  |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
I like it, kaile! ^_^ wow there are so mnay forms of poetry I don't know of! ^_^ well, even if it isn't exactly right, I think it is a lovely poem.. only thing, u said a broken girls heart.. should it be a girls broken heart? well, it probably sounds better the first way, hehe.. just a thought.. ^_^ Lynne |
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Mon Cherie
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922Land of Never-ending Summers |
Kaile, your poem here is great. I can feel the loneliness and desperation there. But I was more amazed by this form of poetry. I was just trying to figure out which lines were repeated, and how they miraculously created a link... I guess I really need to go read up someday.  _,,,^.^,,,_ |
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