»
Archives
»
Spiritual Journeys
»
My Little Girl Turned Five Today
| Spiritual Journeys |
|
My Little Girl Turned Five Today |
|
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
My Little Girl Turned Five Today My little girl turned five today I kneeled to kiss her But she slipped away Making believe she was Queen In an oversized thriftshop gown Ruling from a cardboard throne Wearing an aluminum foil crown I was in awe of her as she played I marveled at this miracle God had made With long sienna hair That spilled into her pure maple eyes She wears confidence like a woman Seasoned and wise My little girl turned five today When I drove her to pre-school I asked to stay To watch her joke Giggle with friends Share in her world Of effortless pretend She hugged me tightly than shook her head NO Mama don't stay You must have somewhere to go I am FIVE now echoed As I was left me alone Pierced by her words And how quickly she had grown My little girl turned five today She pleaded to sleep in bed with me Until I finally said OK but While she slept I tossed Long after late night TV Saddened she would soon outgrow This special place with me The years will toll differently On me than on my little girl As I age I'll protect These moments that unfurl And secure them in my heart Against the future to replay When she's no longer little And my crown is faded gray Jeen I would appreciate constructive suggestions. This poem doesn't seem to flow right. Thanks. |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
It is a lovely poem and sentiment. I will have to take time to analyze it if you want more criticism but don't worry about her getting older. Just be happy that she does. Joyce |
||
|
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
It is a lovely poem and sentiment. I will have to take time to analyze it if you want more criticism but don't worry about her getting older. Just be happy that she does. Joyce |
||
|
Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
If I have not welcomed you yet, please accept my welcome now........ W E L C O M E ! OK, concerning your poem. The style that I feel your poem is, if it needed classification, would be a kind of "free-verse" without any certain rhyme scheme. I would not be too concerned with flow with this type of poem. When I read your poem, I'm looking more at content. I found the content to be very interesting and that which I could personally relate. Especially the scene of taking my 5 year old to let them go to school for the first time. A very significant time in child's and a parent's growth for certain. Now, concernig flow... I think a good place to start if you truly want to improve the flow of your poem would be to look at the sylable count per line. I think if you even out the sylables per line that your poem will have better flow. I will not discuss meter at this time. The following is how I counted your sylable per line per stanza: stanza # sylables per line 1 8-5-5-7-8-7-9 2 9-8-3-6-9-9-4 3 8-7-4-4-4-4-6 4 10-4-7-6-7-4-7 5 8-9-5-5-7-7-6 6 8-8-6-6-7-8-7-7 (last stanza has an extra line) I hope that you can see the irregularity of sylables per line. Like I stated originally, your poem is written wonderfully in the sytyle that you wrote it and unless you decide more for flow than content, I would not change it. Bob <>< |
||
|
WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Welcome! You're poem shines with beauty!  As for the flow, you might want to tighten up your words, but it's considered free verse. In a free verse poem, there are NO rules, NO rhyme. So it's just right.  It brought back memories of my youngest one going to school, and how I cried. There's just too many momma's who don't hold what's precious. This truly touched my heart down deep. ~God Bless~ <*\\\>< |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Thank you all for the great welcome and the wonderful suggestions! Jeen |
||
|
rwood Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793Tennessee |
Hey! Welcome. This is motherly love! I know, I cried when mine went to school, then when they turned into teens. And I'm sure I'll cry some more. I just do that. This is so touching. I'm glad she has such a great caring mommy. As for advise..The only thing I can think of is in "free verse" which is what I write a lot..but didn't know it till someone told me, I just let it go literaly on the page what ever I'm feeling. Then go back and read it to yourself and see if the passion and freeflow agents(If it sings to your heart) are there. Don't worry what others will think. Your written thoughts are precious...even if sometimes you are the only one who understands.  I appreciate you sharing! I look forward to more.Sincerely, Rwood With all things considered, why not God? |
||
|
Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Oh! How I could relate and his this piece moved me!! My son turned 6 last month. I see God in him, in his smiles, his joys, his laughter. I cherish every moment. When he says his prayers at night, the earnestness of him, so wanting to be good, so being a son of God, it moves me so. Like your daughter, he is growing up and moving away from me, little by little. I wanted to freeze time, keep him four forever! Like you I cherish it all, and can relate totally to your poem on the wonder of it all, the hints of the Lord you see in them etc. Thanks for sharing this piece with us all, I'm adding it to my personal library. And no I'm sorry I love it too much to find anything to criticise!!! Isis *The greatest warrior is one that does not need to fight* ~Isis~ |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
