Open Poetry #4 |
My Relationship With The Waters |
JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
My relationship with the waters That remind me of my life All different but still linked All waters, flowing, tumbling, breathing in and out. Just like me. My relationship with the sea Is like with one I haven't met For I've never seen the ocean Even if it may be the most important yet. My relationship with the trickling stream Is like with one that's close to home. Comforting, knowing that I have met it. Knowing it will never roam My relationship with the never ending lake That shore to shore cannot be seen Is like the greatest one I know Met, but mostly thought about, only in a dream. My relationship with the waters Is an explanation in itself The waters all flowing, tumbling, breathing in and out. Are all linked together Reminding me of my relationship with human kind And of my own self. (This is a poem that I think needs some work, but has a subject I definetly like. If anyone has any suggestions for improving this poem, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.) JOY |
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© Copyright 1999 Kristen Joy Jacobus - All Rights Reserved | |||
Beki Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569Newport Beach, CA, USA |
I too have a particular kinship with water...especially the ocean and so I really enjoyed this poem. I do agree it needs some work to smooth out the edges, and with your permission I will give it some thought and make some suggestions to you later. |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
Beki, thanks. I'd sure appreciate it. JOY |
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SeaDragon Junior Member
since 1999-12-11
Posts 11 |
An ocean friend! Cummings says it's always ourselves we find at the sea. I'm new here, but can I make a suggestion? Don't reach so hard for the form and rhymes. Just let the words swirl and flow--like water. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This has a beautiful theme, Joy. I'm going to have a close look at it for you. K |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I love the water also Joy |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Water is a great subject Joy. I like the way you have related it to your life. How sad to never have seen the ocean--it is so splendid. In the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. (ee cummings) |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
Sea Dragon- words flow like the water... hmm. I like that. I'll give it a try on a revision. Severn- yes, take a closer look please and bring me further insight into what you think. hoot- I think a lot of people have "relationships" with the water. Martie- Oh, I know. I want to so much, but I live a great many miles from the ocean. Keep the replies flowing like the waters. JOY |
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Nate Dogg Senior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 1658Georgia, Fulton |
Good poem. This poem is different because not much people talk about the water. |
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