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KILL 'EM ALL!!! - Xmas assignement first draught
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KILL 'EM ALL!!! - Xmas assignement first draught |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
In the land of Judea came an army on steeds, At the gates of the cities inspiring stampedes; And then Bethlehem trembled as soldiers approached With a thunder of hooves on the land they’d encroached. FIRST SOLDIER “Stay, Jew! We’ve got pregnant affair with you: We’ve been informed you have received - the night A new born star above our province shone - Three foreign kings. Of further interest We have been told they haven’t taken rooms But spent the night by your stables. Recount, Jew, what you’ve seen, for thus you’re bound to do, As Herod has decreed. From Rome you shall Reward receive for your narration. Speak!” THE JEW “I do remember well the night; A new born star then lit the sky; Three magi came, I know not why So swift their morrow’s sudden flight. As of their coming I had heard, I had a room, here in my inn, To pregnant guest - to my chagrin - Denied. For profit t’was prepared. I know not whether they were kings They seemed a rich nobility; But as for hospitality, On deaf ears fell my offerings. Along with shepherds they had come And grouped about the manger to Attend a pretty lady who Had given birth in there, a son. It was my wife who’d put them there She said they had nowhere to go; My fields awake with to-and-fro, I had to see what went on there. I saw the gifts they had bestowed On this born monarch - so they’d say -; For rental fees, and straw and hay, Required reward, I stole a gaud. It was a box made out of gold In it a good amount of myrrh: A bitter conscience to incur; I know not what made me so bold.” SECOND SOLDIER “Were I a prophet I’d foretell that we - To your new king, the child you would not host - In Rome, shall one day better subjects be. I’ve guided them towards Egyptian coast To hide until death seizes Herod‘s ghost. Now for your pains, you greedy Jew, behold The cleansing and destruction as foretold.” With Damascus foul steel in their hands they had come Unto women and children, we know the outcome: It was thus we did welcome the Son of the Lord As a multitude perished, hearts pierced by the sword. A son was sent to save us by the Lord And crucifixion was our ill reward. “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord God, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the Lord.” - Amos 8:11 ________________________________________________ Here we've got anapestic tetrameter, In Memoriam quatrains, rime royal and blank verse. Am I gilding the heath? Would love some feedback on the blank verse, I struggle more with less structured forms, as they are (apparently) too easy. The substitutions in the blank verse section meter were consciously made, and I believe on words of importance. Thanks for reading, and have a marvelous day! Mark [This message has been edited by Marc-Andre (12-16-2008 01:44 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Marc, I rarely comment and even more rarely critique, but as you put so much effort into this let me start by saying it's a strong story and good telling but, I found the use of the different forms in one piece distracting. I also think your anapestic meter slipped on the second line, perhaps " at the gates of the cities ". It will be interesting to hear Balladeers' take on this, and I look forward to more. Doc |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Doc, thanks for reading and for your feedback. I've just corrected the second line, I had indeed a missing beat. Also, I do agree that the different forms are distracting, I felt it when I read it back aloud. I think I might try it all in rime royal. I've written the anapestic tetrameters to give a more intense context to the story that is being related. I'd like to know whether that much has worked. I'm thinking of, perhaps, to place them between stanzas, perhaps in couplets. A task -i.e. pacing - I find rather difficult to accomplish well. On my computer, they are italicized (more distraction?) but I don't know how to do that here. I also look forward to reading Balladeer's critique. He's at least half the reason why I keep posting here. Have a marvelous day! Mark |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Something else I'd like to have feedback on: "As Herod has decreed." I'm thinking of changing it to "As Herod did decree." I think the alliteration would then have meaning, and that the harder consonants would fit the harsh decree better. What do you think? It is my next (self-imposed) step to carefully consider alliterations, soft and hard consonants etc. Here the reader's critique will be of paramount importance. Thanks in advance. Mark |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Marc-Andre. you are a man after my own poet's heart. Not only do you put a lot of effort into your work; you also do a lot of research on poetic forms, usages, and tools of the trade, like alliterations, for example. I admire the work and dedication you put into your products. Your first stanza is excellent. You handle the anapestic form to create the perfect meter for the thoughts. The free verse following doesn't make it for me. I've gone from a perfect stanza to a rhymeless, meterless collection of thoughts and the immediate transformation throws me off. After the free verse portion, you return to rhyme, but going from 12 syllable to 8 syllable lines and changing the rhyme scheme from a-a-b-b- to a-b-b-a and the meter to iambic from anapestic.. These seven stanzas are well-done, with the exception of the one stanza where you rhyme "there" with "there". After them, you switch again to 10 syllable lines, go from four line stanzas to a seven line one, with yet another new rhyme scheme - a-b-a-b-b-c-c. Then, in the next stanza, you revert to the 12 syllable lines with an a-a-b-b stanza. The poem finishes with a couplet of two 10 syllable lines. There are simply too many changes employed to give any fluidity to the work. When a reader stumbles over the construction, the message suffers. As a continuation of my nit-picking, which endears me to Dr. Moose's heart, I submit the following......... And crucifixion was our ill reward. Please explain "our ill reward". . Were I a prophet I d foretell that we - To your new king, the child you would not host - In Rome, shall one day better subjects be. I ve guided them towards Egyptian coast To hide until death seizes Herod s ghost. Now for your pains, you greedy Jew, behold The cleansing and destruction as foretold. This stanza confuses me completely. The fault could be mine and perhaps I just can't see what's there but I don't even know who is speaking here. I thought perhaps it must be the soldier talking due to the words "your new king, the child you would not host" but then the "I've guided them toward Egyptian coast" confuses me, unless you are referring to a soldier who aided in giving sanctuary to Jesus, Joseph and Mary. if that be the case, then it need to be made clear that a soldier is narrating here......or else I'm just having delusions, which happens on occasion.  In response to your question, "Herod has decreed" is much the better choice since you are going for strong and H is much stronger than D, alliterately speaking. Information......Whenever you want to italicize, simply place an "i" in between the brackets <> at the beginning of the text you want italicized and a"/i" between the brackets <> at the end of the italicized portion. When you want to use bold type, use a "b" between the brackets the same way you use the "i" to italicize. Okay, having offered all of these observations, let me again say that I hold you in very high admiration, sir. You have dived into the assignment with gusto and an attempt to make it real, not taking any kind of easy way out by offering some piece of fluff. The basis of your story - the wife finding a place for them in the stable, the innkeeper sneaking in and even filching one of the gifts in his greediness (using the rental of the stable and the cost of the straw and hay as excuses), is top-notch. The story is so good I would like to see it in a form that would do it justice. |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Balladeer, I will eventually have to write you a perfect ode so as to thank you enough for the dedication you put in your critiques 1) I do NOT write free verse...  But I do write blank verse, poorly. Yes, the blank verse is rhymeless but it is metered. The nine lines are iambic pentameter, with two trochaic substitutions, "pregnant" and "stables." I do think that there are two many enjambments though, which may have killed the tightness of the meter. This blank verse isn't a collection of thought, but meant to be the speech of a first soldier to the inn owner, with alliteration on "reward receive," to foreshadow the massacre of children: "Now for your pains, you greedy Jew, beholdThe cleansing and destruction as foretold.” Such at least were my intentions. I find it much harder to write blank verse; I do need to work more on it, as drama is my second passion, next to poetry. Yep, I love Shakespeare! 2) Each different form is for a different character, as different instruments in some classical music pieces. The anapestic tetrameter is the third-person narrator; the blank verse a first soldier; the In Memoriam quatrain the inn owner; and the rime royal a second soldier. At least, now I know that it didn't work. I could have labelled the characters, but the construction would still be overly distracting.I agree, having reread the poem aloud, that all put together, they scan awfully, and it would put me off too. 3) And crucifixion was our ill reward: ...i.e. we crucified the one who came to save us. We welcomed him with a massacre of children and dispatched him hence by crucifixion. Therefore the quote from the book of Amos below: what I am suggesting is that God, after having seen how we treated his son, has had enough with us...At least as far as I know (was born Roman Catholic, and I am not a theologian), the words of God pretty much ended with the New Testament. 4)The rime royal is indeed spoken by a soldier, and I did mean that he has aided Joseph, Mary and Jesus to escape to Egypt. The gospels contain a few instances where the Romans treated Christ better than did the Jews. The centurion comes to mind; also Pilate, if only through conscience.(Granted, he could have had more authority instead of merely washing his hands of it; yet, let's have a little empathy for someone who had to rule a province where so many things "had been written..." ) As history would have it, it was Rome - not Jerusalem - who became the Holy City, the centre or Christian worship. The Romans adopted the faith; the Jews didn't. In this rime royal, I attempted to highlight the fact. 5) Thanks for your feedback on alliteration. I intend to write a few poems as "sound studies," I'm still not that comfortable with sound effects. Your input will be immensely appreciated. Though I am new here, you probably already know me enough to know that I will rewrite the poem. The anapestic tetrameter are a draught for an exercise I have given to myself, the massacre of the children, and to write it in the form of Byron's The Destruction of Sennacherib. I think the anapestic meter is the perfect structure for such an event, or so Byron - far higher in skills than I am - make it appear. And I will have to elect one form for the story, I'm thinking rime royal or perhaps Spenserian stanza. To me, it's as much process as product, and by experimenting with forms and themes, I will eventually learn what works best. The only form - if we could call it so - I have no intention to write is free verse. I look forward to reading your reply. Mark |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
(1) Ok, I simply read the blank verse differently, I suppose. for example, I see it beginning with a spondee (Stay, Jew!). Perhaps that's just the way I read it. Others areas jump out at me, too. (2) I see now that you used a different form for different people but I wouldn't have known otherwise. Perhaps if you decide to continue that way, it could be a good idea to labelize each seperation of speakers, as Shakespeare would do in a play to denote the speakers. (3) afraid I still have a problem with crucifixion and ill reward. I'm assuming that the soldier must have been a Christian. (4) I do not know who is speaking the final quatrain. I;m assuming it was the same person who speaks the final couplet. In conclusion. I think we agree that the constant changes and the ambiguities of the speakers take away from the value of the poem. Yes, I have no doubt you will re-write it because, as all writers worth their salt know, it is indeed the journey as well as the destination and when one can explain their journey, they are worthy of the destination. You will make this poem great and you will be justified in being proud of your work. I commend you on your dedication and look forward to working with you in the future. |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thanks again for your input, Balladeer. I have italicized the opening and closing quatrains, which were intended to be the author's voice, and labeled the speakers. I will nonetheless work on putting it into a unified form. I agree that the blank verse is poor work, I also tend to read the first foot as a spondee (I could cheat myself, but it pretty much ended there... ) I will post the next version as soon as it's done. Have a marvelous day. Mark |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
First off, let me say I enjoyed very much the story in this. I am not familiar with some of the styles you used (however) I will be. I usually read something at least twice before moving on or leaving comment. I read this one a few times and then read the remarks from both Dr. Moose and the Teach. I agree that the change in styles made it a bit hard to follow smoothly but I am with Balladeer in that I admire the effort and dedication so much that it really didn't bother me. In reading this one I actually learned a few things so I am counting this as time very well spent. Now I am off to study and see if I can learn some new styles. Much enjoyed and I wish you the best of the holidays. |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Mark, Many thanks for your feedback. I'm currently reworking the poem in classical terza rima, just penned the seventh stanza. The interlocking rhyme scheme (aba bcb cdc ded...)is killing me!(See new post)I'm working a lot out of "Writing Metrical Poetry" by William Bear, I think you would find it of interest. It is a basic overview of the metered forms, with examples and assignments. Have a marvelous day! Mark [This message has been edited by Marc-Andre (12-16-2008 03:14 PM).] |
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Justin Genius Member
since 2001-04-02
Posts 85 |
Marc-Andre, even though confused by all the different forms of poetry (I guess I'm just jealous)I enjoyed your tale very much.  |
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