»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
Winter Triolet
| Poetry Workshop |
|
Winter Triolet |
|
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697
|
Giving this a try!  I walk alone as cold wind blows around It seems the way is always black and rough The snow falls down and shifts without a sound I walk alone as cold wind blows around The snow, it glows, but treasure’s not been found The moonlight shines, but it is not enough I walk alone as cold wind blows around It seems the way is always black and rough Oh, make me Thine forever |
||
| © Copyright 2005 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
oh LoveBug so sad in grief your poem was out that i thouht to reach. i love it so much hope to hear more if possible. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I don't know how I could have missed this the first time around. This is nothing short of absolute perfection. As much fun as these are to write, they are extremely difficult to get right without seeming trite and overly repetitious. I can't find a single flaw here. Pete |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
excellent, LoveBug! Since you have taken it upon yourself to introduce triolets, please explain to the class what a triolet is, the structure and the rhyme schemes. I;m sure many will be interested in this beautiful form. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Mike, did you note the date on this little jewel? I think she posted it for a former class. Maybe she'll come back around and enlighten us. |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
The triolet is a French form, a single octave that rhymes abaaabab where the first line is repeated in the fourth and seventh line and the second concludes the poem. They can be fun to write, the difficulty is to have powerful lines to repeat without becoming trite or monotonous, and LoveBug achieved this marvelously well. Here's mine: You are my nightmare and my dream: You own it all, you have my soul. Both day and night, you are the theme, You are my nightmare and my dream. Yet all I could was to unseam My heart, now dwelling in Sheol. You are my nightmare and my dream You own it all, you have my soul. |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Thank you, Marc-Andre, for joining in. Your triolet is very well done. I confess I have never heard the phrase "unseam my heart" before and it stopped me a bit but injecting Sheol in there was a brilliant stroke. Nicely done, sir... |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thank you, Balladeer. You say "unseam my heart" stopped you; I'd love to know what you made of it. I also thought of "unseem." What do you think? Mark. |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, all I could think of was to unseam would be to take the seams out, which I didn't understand very well. You can't really use unseem because seem is not a verb. It made me think that you were simply reaching for a rhyme and diminished the poem slightly. if you meant something else, please share it. Perhaps something like "I tried my hardest to redeem My heart, now dwelling in Sheol" or something along those lines would suffice....just a thought |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Many thanks for sharing, Balladeer; this is exactly the kind of criticism I was looking for. Merriam-Webster has "seem" as an intransitive verb, meaning "to give the impression of being." But I really meant "unseam" as to tear apart a heart that already had its fair share of "stitches." Does that make any more sense? The bottom line is that this attempted imagery did not work. And this is what I needed to know, as what is clear (perhaps an overstatement here...lol) to me won't necessarily be clear to the reader. Thanks again for the input. Mark |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
To keep Sheol in there, here's what I came up with. "My flesh annexed by dybbukim, My heart’s now dwelling in Sheol" ...... You are my nightmare and my dream: You own it all, you have my soul. Both day and night, you are the theme, You are my nightmare and my dream. My flesh annexed by dybbukim, My heart's now dwelling in Sheol. You are my nightmare and my dream You own it all, you have my soul. How does that sound? |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
You DO come up with some interesting words! A brilliant change, sir. Dybbukim and Sheol compliment each other perfectly and complete the thought. They also cause the reader to investigate the meanings and gain a better appreciation of the poem. I like it  |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thanks for your nice comments. And many more thanks for your honest critique that got me out of my little comfort zone and pushed me to write a better verse. Have a wonderful day! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
