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Tanka You very much!
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Tanka You very much! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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Tanka time,lads and lassies! The Japanese tanka is very precise. It is a poem depicting some deep though or message, comprised of five lines containing 31 syllables, arranged as 5-7-5-7-7. Fortunately, the American tanka is less strict, still using 5 lines but the syllable counts can be more flexible and may contain less than 31 syllables. The important thing, though, is that a deep thought or message still must be displayed. An example..? Halloween-- Infant Batman in my arms barely aware of this world that needs saving ~by Laura Maffei So tanka me already!!!!!  |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Excellent choice, Balladeer - no meter, no feet to worry about.  moonlight rimes the abandoned beach where once we loved a harbor bell tolls despondency |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
 div> |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
That's simply gorgeous, Sunshine, and your pivot line, sheer perfection! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Ladies, My day has begun with the beauty of your poems. I'll be driving to work muttering word combinations and, once again, people will stare and marvel at my insanity. Yep, another commute, another poetic thought is born. xoxoxo A |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Jenn, that is a very touching piece, creating a sad, melancholy mood that perfectly fits your wording. Sunshine, what can I say? That's a magnificent presentation in all ways...beautiful. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I did have a question on Tankas, and for that fact, Haiku and Senryu as well. I seem to have a problem leaving out commas, as I believe they help administer to the tone of the piece. But I rarely see commas in others' works. Am I doing this wrong? |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Appreciation at times takes different forms (one being humor) expressing ones' gratitude in an edgier manner. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Sunshine, commas are very rarely used in either haikus or tankas. In fact, I've never seen one. Yes, you do have a fixation with them because you want the reader to hesitate where you want them to, but it's normally unnecessary. As it states in the definition...Usually, each line consists of one image or idea; unlike English poetry, one does not seek to "wrap" lines in tanka, though in the best tanka the five lines often flow seamlessly into one thought. In the tanka you presented here, the commas really don't need to be there. Get over being commatose!!! Moose...a good tanka with a good message. Nicely presented.. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
I came in to enjoy the classwork~ Indeed all of the Tankas are lovely~ Karilea~ That is just real purtimous~ Bal~ You definitely got my giggle-schmiggle going with your 'commatose' Life, with each breath drawn Gifted from my Lord above Wounded, not broken Seemingly more precious now I give thanks for the gifting~ *________________________________________* Hello classmates~ It has been awhile since I've attended class, but I found some poetic chalk for this assignment~ I have been following the progress here, and wish to give a hand of  to you all~Also want to extend a  to the teacher~I hope to return and get Doc Moose to clean erasers~  Now where is the way to the playground? I've got a merry-go-round calling me~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
No Commas. White Snow Slender tracks in snow white hare listening in pause hawk wings silently sun hovers hidden this morn death comes swift in sound of scree |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
No commas but you do have a pause in there!  This is great, Sunshine. After getting the full meaning of the piece, it struck hard, almost like viewing the painting of Guernica. Of course, to get the full meaning, I confess I had to look up the word scree, which led me to work up the word detritus, which completed painting the picture you describe. Thank you for enriching my vocabulary. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Marge....about time you got back to class!!! We haven't had a clean eraser since you left!  and, of course, you come back in style with an excellent tanka. Good to see you once again. Now stop all that health business and stick around!  |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Yay! Marge is comin' back and I won't have to clean erasers this time. Ha to Moose! A |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
bitter scent of fall sharp serrated air breathes under cloudless blue sky decomposition of leaves and ripe cranberries creates an acrid perfume. --- Alison |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Although hard to find in any dictionary, the word "scree" was also meant to be used as the sound the hawk makes. But you'd probably have to live in the midwest to hear it. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Balladeer, You look really nice in that dress that you wore to reply to Marge's Tanka, but I think the hairdo is a bit severe for you. You are pretty in pink though!  A |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Hey, how come I gots to clean erasers again? That ain't fair Marge, but it will be a pleasure to see you again on the playground. Doc |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
ididtheeraserslasttime! |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Pink cherry blossoms, When beauty of spring arrives, And the firm bosoms Of misses and of young wives: Carpe diem, they won’t last. |
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ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
during the rainstorm raining in winter clashing of thunder, lightening wind howls until dawn my heart beats in silent waiting for you to come home i hope its fine with you Balladeer |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Hiya Balladeer! Here is my attempt at a tanka. And the warm tender embrace Causes a flutter Deep within my waiting heart Wanting even more from you |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Not bad, Marc!! The only nitpick I have is that line 5 throws me off with the three short feet together "ses and of"...but that's just me Ken.... Nice effort! You paint a vivid picture with your lines. Only nitpick is (yes, I have them ) is that lightning is misspelled and the fourth line is missing a syllable. Otherwise, nice work.Rose.. No nitpicks here! Your tanka is perfection personified! Easy to read, perfect syllable count...it is the complete package. good work!!!  [This message has been edited by Balladeer (12-31-2008 12:02 AM).] |
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ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
Moving i'm a butterfly on a long endless journey nothing to my front nor back, no past, no future an destination unknown hope this one is better |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I like it, Ken! You followed the form perfectly and the poem has a certain sadness and even longing to it. Nice work! Only nitpick is the first word in the last line. I assume you either mean "a" or "and" instead of "an"....probably a typo. |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
I did have another Tanka I was going to post but it was a bit grim (inspired by a Cambodian legend where a woman swam out to her drowned lover so she could join him) but came out as more of a suicide message, so here is a different attempt. The net closes in Frenzied fish search for escape One leaps to freedom The mesh is pulled full circle As fishermen count their catch [This message has been edited by Claira (01-17-2009 03:44 AM).] |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
Sweep me off my feet, Send me into psychosis. You have my permission. Steal me from reality Show me something wonderful. *Amber |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Amber, your syllable counts are 5-7-6-7-7, equalling 32 syllables, one too many. It seems to be in the third line. Otherwise, it's good!! |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
OOPS! It's supposed to be "you have permission" not "you have my permission"... That was a typing error, probably because it sounded better in my mind with the "my" inserted. Thanks for pointing that out, though. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
A classroom of one attending to past lessons where once was great fun. Are those footsteps in the hall, must I go recall them all? Alison and Rose! Front and center, on your toes! Drop and give me ten! Hut, two, three, and present pen! School's in session once again! And so it's begun, Amberzylnnc look what you've done! The slumbering class shall be awakened at last yearning for learning and fun! Marc Andre and Ken! Where the hell have you two been! In a class this small must I monitor the hall to see where you've been and when? Balladeer's a sport, Madame Sunshine please report. I've tried to recruit many who remain quite mute so our roster's pretty short. [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (09-28-2010 10:06 AM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Nice effort made, Moose To start things up one more time Some may need a goose To coax a few words of rhyme From those who had disappeared Or felt they got Balladeered. Alison was great And seemed to enjoy the place But now, as of late, We don't see her pretty face. Others, by the wayside, too Now have disappeared from view. One does what one can Amber Lynn has come to play I'm a happy man That we live another day. Doctor Moose, you're quite the lad And your poetry ain't bad! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Lol @ your poetic reply, is it just me or am I counting an extra line in your stanzas?5,7,5,7,7...7? Doc |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Moose, I will simply respond by saying what my father always told me...."Do as I say, not as I do." LOL! Funny how the most obvious things are the easiest to go unnoticed. I am properly chastised and shall stand in the corner for ten minutes after breakfast. I tanka you very much |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Mayflies rise to mate Driven by the warmth of sun But trout too must eat And so life’s cycle is run Danger exists in our needs :-) do I pass teacher? [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (09-30-2010 07:37 AM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Pass you do, Ron. You followed the structure with a good message.. BUT......... Since I am a grouchy teacher who justifies his existence by finding oopsies, you need to choose between "dangers exist" or "danger exists". "Danger exist" doesn't quite make it. Nitpicky for an old codger, aren't I? |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Hey! nothing in your challenge stated I must use correct spelling!!! (chuckling) I should know better.... but obviously didn't catch it on my own. it is fixed sir... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Now... Haiku... I seem to remember that Haiku were often linked with the idea of Zen... with the final line often a sort of unanswerable riddle for the reader to contemplate... any truth to all that? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I;ll have to check but, from what I remember of haikus, the last line is supposed to contradict or show a contrast to the first two. Actually the first line represents a certain thing, the second either the emotion of the first or something else and the third a contrast to the two, or something like that? Am I clear enough???? |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Clear enough I need to research... what you say is familiar in a vague way, so I'll go read up on the form and refresh my grey matter... |
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flash Member
since 2010-11-28
Posts 213miami beach, florida |
Going Nowhere Fast! life on the treadmill listening to piped-in sounds tackling programmed hills running as fast as I can-- not moving forward an inch |
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flash Member
since 2010-11-28
Posts 213miami beach, florida |
my moms recent passing journeyed me back to when I would pretend to be ill in order to skip school and stay in bed so mama could bring me her special chicken soup and kiss me and hold me and tuck me in.. feigning illness I dip a thermometer in hot water oh mama tuck me under hug me one more time |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Welcome, flash! Always good to see another south Floridian here! Your tankas are excellent. You show a great contrast in both of them and the second one is especially hard-hitting...very nice work. |
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flash Member
since 2010-11-28
Posts 213miami beach, florida |
Thanks, Balladeer for the warm welcome (nice and sunny & warm here today in miami Beach..and I'm sure the same in neighboring Ft Lauderdale! Glad you enjoyed my tanka..just returned from the beach--saw a cracked shellfish along the shore, meditated upon it, then wrote: tumbled by the tides this way & that finally cracked open: how soft we are beyond our lobster shells I also love haiku and senryu (been writing them for 3 months) and am wondering: is there a haiku category? Would love to share some! Thanks so much! Al |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
flash, there was nothing sunny and warm this morning....52 when I left the house! WInd chill is supposed to be in the 20's tonight....comical, I'm sure to some of our northern friends, but cold to me, nonetheless.Very nice tanka. I see you have a natural flair for it. No, we don't have classifications here, outside of the open forum, which accepts all types of poetry and the prose forum, exclusively for prose. There are many admirers of the haiku/senru/tanks genre in the Open forum, however, and there's no doubt your work will be welcomed there. [This message has been edited by Balladeer (12-06-2010 05:01 PM).] |
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s1nfully_1nn0c3nt Senior Member
since 2003-10-26
Posts 1105Watertown, NY |
calmness of the sea signals tidal waves coming mother nature's twist a cruel joke she plays on us retribution for our sins Eh, my "attempt" -Trina. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
You have the structure down right, Trina. I'm missing the cleverness, which I know you are capable of. Thrill me... |
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s1nfully_1nn0c3nt Senior Member
since 2003-10-26
Posts 1105Watertown, NY |
Ah, I thought so too. I'll have to think it over again. Perhaps I need a new subject? -Trina. |
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Prats Member
since 2010-12-16
Posts 74 |
nice one... Prats!!! :D |
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