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Balladeer
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0 posted 2008-06-26 07:30 PM



Once upon a time, poet Robert Kelly decided that Americans needed their own version of the haiku...so he invented it (actually two). It is called the Lune. There are two versions of the lune. The first consists of three lines of  5 syllables, three syllable and five syllables.

Haberdasheries
have never
dashed habers for me.

The second consists of lines of three words, five words and three words - no restrictions on the amount of syllables.

Doctor Moose calls.
All the girls in town
Hide behind doors.

So get a little lunatical for me and come up with something in both versions that impresses with it's cleverness.

How much easier can it get, right?

© Copyright 2008 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
Dr.Moose1
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since 1999-09-05
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Bewilderment , USA
1 posted 2008-06-26 08:39 PM


Balladeer,
I take it the beatings will continue until morale improves? Glad to hear it!
Doc

The Shadow in Blue
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since 2006-05-18
Posts 493
EL, Michigan
2 posted 2008-06-26 09:04 PM


The shadow is here
it appears
to learn from the deer

College next fall
for any and all Frosh
is stressfully refreshing



JNS

"I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you."-WW


Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
3 posted 2008-06-26 10:17 PM


Yay!

Balladeer came back
with lessons.
Now, I am happy!

Balladeer
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4 posted 2008-06-26 10:29 PM


Doc, as my Dad used to say before the blow fell - "This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you" - nah, I didn't believe it, either.

shadow, good to see you...and I'm trying to understand the feeling of "stressfully refreshing"!

Alison..what makes you happy makes me happy

chopsticks
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since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
5 posted 2008-06-27 07:34 AM


Early this morning
What a sight
By dawns early light


What sight did I see
So pleasing me
The first light of Friday

Is it ok to rhyme ?

I just realized the second one is  an inverted lune . I going to call it a West Virginia lune.

Is this better:

So pleasing me
Was what I did see
Early on Friday



Balladeer
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6 posted 2008-06-27 08:21 AM


Sure you can rhyme, chopsticks...but you can't give a line like "was what I did see", not even in West Virginia
chopsticks
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since 2007-10-02
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The US,
7 posted 2008-06-27 10:53 AM


Balladeer, I thought using my artistic license I could on occasions  ignore some minor requirements of

grammar; but I guess not on your watch.

Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
8 posted 2008-06-27 10:58 AM


I stuck mine over here

/pip/Forum22/HTML/000934.html

graeshine2006
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since 2008-06-03
Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA
9 posted 2008-06-27 11:43 PM


Lightning strikes scare me.
Why is there
fire in the air?
Fido stinks bad.
But the skunk won't forget
72 Maple Street.
Hmmmm.... can I use numbers?  


graeshine2006
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since 2008-06-03
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The Prairie Lands, USA
10 posted 2008-06-27 11:44 PM


I put spaces in the above reply... sorry - not sure what happened.  Hope you can make it out.  There really is two Lunes there! :O
Balladeer
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11 posted 2008-06-28 12:03 PM


I see them both

In the first one, there are only four syllables in the third line.

Inthe second, yes, you can use numbers but the numbers are pronunced. se-ven-ty two.

Try again?

graeshine2006
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12 posted 2008-06-28 07:47 AM


Fire is one syllable?  I will try again very soon!  thanks.
Balladeer
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13 posted 2008-06-28 11:41 AM


LoL! Believe me, my friend, I'm with you! I don't even trust people that consider fire to be one syllable and have fought vigorously to defend it as a two-syllable word. There is a majority of the country not enlightened enough to see it that way, however, and insist it has only one syllable  so I have been forced to abandon my southern ways and accept it as such...but it's good to see at least someone agrees with me!
graeshine2006
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since 2008-06-03
Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA
14 posted 2008-06-28 01:47 PM


LOL... Good.  Glad I'm not going nuts... I hear two syllables in "fire", wouldn't it be pronounce "far" if it wasn't two syllables...     Anyway, here they are:

My children mirror
each other.
Reflections of love.


Please don't tell me there are not 3 syllables in reflections...haha.

Next:

The tree stands
tall, reaching for the sky,
fullfilling it's fate.

[This message has been edited by Balladeer (06-28-2008 03:25 PM).]

graeshine2006
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since 2008-06-03
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15 posted 2008-06-28 01:49 PM


I am having terrible problems editing.  "Fates" should be "fate" - I tried to do a preview and it forwarded me on to submit.  So sorry - I will get this worked out!

Balladeer
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16 posted 2008-06-28 03:28 PM


Ok, I edited it and both exercises are excellent. Not only do they adhere to the structure but both express wonderful thoughts. A big WELL DONE to you!
graeshine2006
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since 2008-06-03
Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA
17 posted 2008-06-28 03:31 PM


Hear that everyone... Balladeer game me a "well done."  I'm so happy, I'm doing the happy dance.... my first workshop... woot woot...   Thanks Balladeer!
Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
18 posted 2008-06-28 05:00 PM


Those "well dones" mean the world, don't they?  I hope you keep on in the workshops - they are really fun.  You outta go back to the beginning lessons too if you have time.  

So glad you are here with us and I loved your lunes.

A

graeshine2006
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since 2008-06-03
Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA
19 posted 2008-06-28 06:05 PM


Thanks Alison - I've been reading a few of your lessons - the one on color was GREAT!  I thought about trying, and might yet, but it sounds rather difficult.  I plan on being in here more.  Take care- deb
Dr.Moose1
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since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA
20 posted 2008-07-07 04:31 PM


Exceedingly brief
poetry
caused me too much grief.

oh so true
it's much worse than haiku
what to do?

I should end this lune
as its tune
may sound me a buffoon

that a harpoon
just might hit me soon
from lune lagoon

crosscountry83
Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 345

21 posted 2009-08-12 10:43 PM


1.
A trip to the store
school supplies
a new beginning

2.
looking over schedules
trying to find classes
school starts now

Ahh! school starts in less than a week! ... and I'm finding it hard to get off PiP and get ON summer homework... *gulp*

Rileigh

Oklahoma Rose
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since 2008-02-28
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Oklahoma USA
22 posted 2009-08-13 10:18 PM


Ok, Sir Balladeer! Here is my contribution to this assignment. Hope it is right.

Remembering you
Brings pain
Deep inside this heart


A gentle soul
Can sooth a broken heart
With kind words

rachaelfuchsberger
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23 posted 2009-08-15 09:48 PM


Ok, so one ties into the other, and here they are....

I miss you my love
Our spirits
Are ne’er far apart

My poetry, it always remembers
You touching me
With your softly calloused hands

Arana Darkwolf

Earth Angel
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since 2002-08-27
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Realms of Light
24 posted 2009-08-16 12:57 PM


First Lune-atic Version"

A filibuster  
Fills me up
'Til I am busting!


My second Lune-atic version is as follows:

Do not assume.
~ It makes an 'ass' of
‘u’ and ‘me’.



Balladeer
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25 posted 2009-08-16 11:31 PM


Well, you guys and gals have been busy. You have all done well....almost.

Rose, your second line of the first one has only two syllables.

Rachel...no fudging, please. "My poetry, it..." is fudging.

rachaelfuchsberger
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26 posted 2009-08-17 07:41 PM


Mental note..."it" is a fudge word.

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer
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27 posted 2009-08-17 08:13 PM


yep...it's a fudge word when next to the object it represents. So are other words like "my brother, he comes tomorrow" or "the bird, she sings so sweet"

Fudging!!! (unless you're Speedy Gonzales!)

Oklahoma Rose
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since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA
28 posted 2009-08-17 11:35 PM


Ok Balladeer! I fixed it, I hope.

Remembering you
Causes pain
Deep inside this heart


A gentle soul
Can sooth a broken heart
With kind words

crosscountry83
Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 345

29 posted 2009-08-18 12:42 PM


Re-posting because I think I got ignored.....

1.
A trip to the store
school supplies
a new beginning

2.
looking over schedules
trying to find classes
school starts now

Rileigh

Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
30 posted 2009-08-18 02:09 PM


Atta girl, Rose! Now it works..

Rileigh, #1 is good....#2 is not. Re-check it ,please

Titia Geertman
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since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
31 posted 2009-08-20 08:50 PM


Ok, it's late, so I'll probably mess it up.

Lune 1

Even a Dutchie
is able
to count syllables


Lune 2

Sometimes love lingers
in sweet memories of happiness
fulfilling the heart




Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Balladeer
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32 posted 2009-08-20 11:46 PM


No mess up there, dutchie...you done good!
Titia Geertman
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since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
33 posted 2009-08-21 05:11 PM


Ok, thanks Deer, I'll try to attend class more often, but I'm still very busy with the sheep inspections and all.

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Amberzlynnc
Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229
New Jersey
34 posted 2010-09-20 01:19 AM


I am all alone.
You are here,
but you're not with me.

*Amber

Balladeer
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35 posted 2010-09-20 09:18 PM


Very nice, Amber. The form  is exact and you made 15 syllables very thought-provoking. Nice work!
ken206573
Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487

36 posted 2010-09-23 05:29 PM


These two poems are connected but in 2 different versions. I hope they are acceptable.
2 version
It's hot tonight
sun sets to the west
glancing back east

waiting half way
seeing if she would appear
good night luna

1 version
As the trumpet played
the moon hides
from the noisy horn

Luna daze beyond
darkness, clouds
to their star children


Balladeer
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37 posted 2010-09-23 06:18 PM


More than acceptable, Ken. Excellent!....especially the first two, describing the sun setting, looking for the moon to appear and take over and then bidding her a good night.....very nice indeed. Thanks for sharing!
Bob K
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since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

38 posted 2010-09-24 05:35 PM



     Variation on a theme, Mike:

For Mike Mack

If Robert Kelly
advised it,
maybe I’ll try it.

The Japanese form
requires  one
find the deep image.

The American
form seems built
for the quarter mile;

not the brush heavy
with fresh ink
ready to spatter

a line of thick drops...
ellipses...
across rice paper —

nor-epinephrine,
a massive
intravenous jolt



Balladeer
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39 posted 2010-09-25 12:41 PM


Well done, Bob. Assuredly the American version is a poor variation of the Japanese form. I would guess the creator was just having a little fun with the variation instead of trying to compete with it,much as in the same way you are having fun putting it in it's place. You followed the assignment well. Nice work.
Sunshine
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Listening to every heart
40 posted 2010-09-25 05:35 PM


Ameriku Lune

Sounds be amply heard
Hand o’er heart
Of thee I shall sing

Stilted halted voters
Scratching heads losing their way
Indecision halting progress

© 2010 krj
25-Sept

Balladeer
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41 posted 2010-09-25 10:29 PM


Nicely done, Sunshine....and very true!
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