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Help Me, Rondeau!
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Help Me, Rondeau! |
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Balladeer
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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Rondeau A Rondeau is a French form, 15 lines long, consisting of three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet with a rhyme scheme as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain ) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other lines are longer (but all of the same metrical length). Could be one of the most beautiful things to come out of France since Bridgette Bardot! No problem for the pipsters, I'm sure!  . . Springtime Air Come follow me, I'll lead you where The days are fine and nights are fair; Where fields of clover, lush and green, Will visit you within this scene -- As March inhales the springtime air. So come with me and we shall share The freshness springtime can ensnare, As fields of flowers thus convene.-- Come follow me... Springtime's approach to which we're heir Will bring about winter's repair, Where we shall witness sights serene And glory in that to be seen. No other season can compare. Come follow me... Copyright © 2004 Dan Tharp . btw....in the example above there is one place where the meter breaks down. Find it for additional points.  |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Oh gee, Sir Balladeer, I'm feeling overwhelmed here. I have even done the last one, yet, and you are presenting us with another one.  I think the meter breaks down where it says "Come Follow Me". |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Take your time, Rose.. No, the meter doesn't break down there. That is part of the construction, the refrain crafted from the first line. |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Well, I flunked that one, didn't I Balladeer. I am glad you never give up on me. |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
"Will bring about winter's repair" may be where the meter breaks down. I do ask for some time on this one as I have sprained my wrist and will be out of commission for a couple days. Arana Darkwolf |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Okay, birthday's over!! I am ready to knuckle down and get back to work! I'll be bahk, oh great leader!  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
About time, birthday girl! (and I don't want to hear any "I'm too old for this stuff" talk!) Nicely done, Rachel! That is exactly where the meter falters  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I think I rondeau'd a time or two...mind if I look an old one up to post? |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ratz...it was a rondel... |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Ok... so I'm pretty sure my meter breaks down in this one, but here's my go at it: You Touch Me So You touch me so roughly gently, My soul sings coarsely and freely, As my body, it also sings, At the joy that your rough touch brings And again, you touch me sweetly. I reach for you so greedily, You reach for me so hungrily, And we’re whispering sweet nothings, You touch me so… You fill me up so completely, You touch me so indiscreetly, We go from whispered sweet nothings, To raspy, passionate somethings, ‘Till I roll over sleepily, You touch me so… Arana Darkwolf |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Yesterday's Gift Today, a gift I celebrate The sounds of past, my mind of late In tune from one, who's left me now Though never out of thought, some how- With twist of roads to navigate. A calm I feel, when in this state Preserving once what was first rate Of friendships found, this too, allow- Today a gift... These words tonight which I create Once monthly thoughts, days now of late. Sometimes life's journey raises brow The missing of, to this night owl Remembering, left up to fate- Today a gift... M [This message has been edited by nakdthoughts (07-12-2009 06:48 PM).] |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Oh my, oh me, for goodness sakes, most surely there's been some mistake! Stay vigilant and on your toes for, far as an example goes this one Deer's quoted takes the cake. It's "winter" where the meter breaks if we wrote thus we would be raked on coals as everybody knows. Oh my, oh me, for goodness sakes! And though my work is oft' half-baked no meter would I e'er forsake. One may as well write garbled prose or make kazoo sounds with their nose, such is the difference meter makes. Oh my, oh me, for goodness sakes! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Rachel, your meter not only breaks down, it becomes roadkill on the poetic highway of life!  You were great finding the broken meter in the example. Now tell me where the meter breaks down in YOUR poem Maureen, how I wish I could write like you. You can take the simplest thought and make something beautiful of it. Only one rough spot where you lose it..Once monthly thoughts, daily of late. thoughts, followed by daily, kill the flow of the poem. Otherwise it is perfection. Moose, Robert Redford has nothing on you. You are indeed The Natural. (haven't thought about the nose kazoo sound in quite a while). Brilliant, as always Sunshine...whatsamatter? Can't write anything new??? You trying to be like me?? |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Once monthly thoughts, daily of late can you tell me exactly what is wrong with that... the meaning is of change from thinking monthly about it to daily and I accent it this way: Once MONTHly THOUGHTS, daiLY of LATE ..hmm although that IS stretching it a bit M |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, if you can convince me that daily has the accent on the last syllable, I'll agree with you. If I ask you how often you bathe and you reply daiLY!, I'll be looking behind you to see if someone goosed you! |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Ok...so going back over it, there is almost absolutely no meter in that piece. I have a lot of reworking to do when it quits hurting my wrist to type. Arana Darkwolf |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Doc Moose, I love the poem and you answered my question. I am so danged tone deaf to some stuff. But, I am hearing better thanks to you and the Balladeer Guy. Alison [This message has been edited by Alison (07-12-2009 06:28 PM).] |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Sibling Complexity Love does not end when sisters fight It’s hidden with pain out of sight As dried up laughter fills the cracks From bitter words that weren’t held back And endless pride trumps over right. A relationship tangled tight By tattered thoughts prone to ignite Like dried wood on a pyre stack Love does not end … The feelings weave with subtle might They spring from dreams that fill the night To hush the cries and dry tear tracks To heal the wounds from each attack Then pain will dim as hope grows bright. Love does not end … - Alison |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Hey, if someone's goosing me, I'll be looking behind me, too! You a funny guy! OK,OK so I changed the line to: Once monthly thoughts, days now of late... not sure if that is better or not M |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Makes all the difference in the world, Maureen...nicely changed Excellent poem, Alison. Your meter breaks down in two places. Find them..... |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
We had a horse named Rondo. Now I can't stop thinking about him. Love your poem, Maureen. A |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Before I make changes, I want to make sure that I have identified the problems. Is it And endless pride trumps over right. By tattered thoughts prone to ignite |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't figure out this stuff on my own! I feel like a freaking toddler! Okay, that moment of venting is over. Am I right (laughs .. comes back in and fixes this .. I enen wrote "right" as "write"!)in where I was wrong? A |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alison, Ty for your comment. In your piece, you start out in perfect iambic tetrameter ( da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da DUM ) however there are certain places where your meter breaks down. If I may suggest, your first stanza would hold the established meter better something like this, Love does not end when sisters fight it hides with pain just out of sight as dried up laughter fills the cracks from bitter words that weren't held back while endless pride trumped over right In your second stanza "relationship" causes problems ( the stresses are out of synch ), and "pyre" unless you pronounce it with two syllables. Your final stanza is fine as is. Hope this helps, and you don't mind my "nit-picking". Doc |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Not at all. Thank you for the feedback. I'll look again tonight and see what I can do. Alison |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Ty, most erudite editor of erroneous meter. For a most excellent edifying example of nose kazoo, might I suggest "Lather" by the Jefferson Airplane? Doc |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Alison, Dr. Moose picked one of them. The other is.. It’s hidden with pain out of sight it's HID-den with PAIN OUT of SIGHT Two unaccented syllables together (-den with) Two accented syllables together (pain out) The two you suggested were fine. |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
K....so here's a second go at it: Today is painful I must say The pain in my back’s here to stay I want to go to my small home I want to go rest in my room To sleep away this painful day My boss tells me that I must stay For me to leave there is no way I still have two hours and some Today is painful… All I want is to go and lay In my bed and sleep through the day In my comfy master bedroom There is no time that is too soon Today is painful… Arana Darkwolf |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
At least you don't give up, Arana. I'll look forward to your third attempt...or dissect this one, if you like. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Well, I just spent the evening writing a Rondeau. I hope that I didn't break any commandments or commit too many sins ~ but my intentions are pure!  While I’m Asleep While I’m asleep, sweet dreams I weave. ~ Drift off to lands of Make Believe. I sail across the starlit skies, Until the morn when I arise. I’m wrapped in dreams each summer’s eve. I carry fairies on my sleeve. They hang on tight and dare not leave. I see the wonder in their eyes. ~ While I’m asleep. The countless blessings I receive, From distant travels I perceive, Have led me to a paradise, Where all is pure and all are wise. As I aspire ~ I will achieve. ~ While I’m asleep. LLD |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Sibling Complexity Love does not end when sisters fight It grows from pain, then hides from sight As dried up laughter fills the cracks From bitter words that weren’t held back And endless pride trumps over right. A sister's love is tangled tight By tattered thoughts prone to ignite From heated words - restraint they lack. Love does not end … The feelings weave with subtle might They spring from dreams that fill the night To hush the cries and dry tear tracks To heal the wounds from each attack Then pain will dim as hope grows bright. Love does not end … - Alison |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
No, Dear Alison, "Love does not end" over a simple case of sibling rivalry. I have a sister and the love stays strong even when things have gone wrong.  I really rike your rondeau, Rhonda! (I like using alliteration so please forgive me.)  LL xo |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Thank you, Linda. My oldest sister and I rarely fight - so our recent falling out has hurt us both. When this one gets the green light, I am sending it on to her. I love you. A |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Alison, I'm sure that it will get the "Green Light" and that it will go far in healing the rift between you and your sister. "Love does not end". Love you too, LL |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
OWWW! ( holding hands on posterior ) It appears I've been kicked all the way back here from open #45 to await correction for pawning off a "counterfeit" Rondeau. Doc |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Book 'em, Lind-o |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Green light given, Alison. It's well-written and makes your point and message very clear. You go, girl! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Thank you, Mr. Teacher. I'll send it off to her. Alison |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Oh, Deer! Is my Rondeau so poorly written that you can't Bear to look at it? Linda quietly slips away and sheds a tear... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
My mistake, Moose. I did you an injustice. No, you are not forgiven for the counterfeit but, at first reading, I though the doc had lost his marbles - and his meter. Sentences began with iamb, trochees, anapests, and I had a hard time following any rythym. For a mortal this would have been forgivable, but for such a champion of meter as you, I attributed it to either Johnny Walker of Jim Beam. Then, after two valiums and a percocet, I reasoned that there must be a different answer. MIchaelangelo does not simply begin painting stick figures...so I studied it again and realized that, by beginning each line with an anapest, everything fell into place and all was right in the world. Balance has been restored to the universe and you have my apology for my short-sightedness. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Sorry, Linda. Alison got me side-tracked with her horny angelness and I lost my train of thought. Not one criticism can I make, miss. The form is perfect, as is the dreamy picture you paint of you mind traveling as you sleep is first-rate. You have it down well! |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Well, if you could see me now, I'm doing Mistletoe Angel's 'Happy Dance'! I'm pleased that you're pleased! I have always wanted to make my teachers happy! LL |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
I shall deffinitely try again. I'm one of those stubborn Sagittarius types that is determined to get it right. Arana Darkwolf |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Pip, pip, right-o, oh merciless master of metaphor, anapestic it was, although it didn't lend itself easily to this form. Wonderful to see that your sense of humor has been restored ( along with universal balance )lol. I'd watch the encapsulated cocktails if I was you though, too much of a good thing yanno. Doc |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Ok....I KNOW I have the rhyme scheme right. I'm still struggling with meter. *does best impression of Oliver Twist* Please,Sir, can I have some more? (Help, that is.) Arana Darkwolf |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I love the Rondeau ~ so much so, that I have written another one! ~ and to think I used to balk at the idea of structuring my poetic thoughts! In Shangri-La In Shangri-La the rivers flow, With milk and honey ~ smooth and slow. The skies are clear and sapphire blue, Each flower is of rainbow hue. Caressing zephyrs softly blow. The stars at night set it aglow. It’s heaven down on Earth below, ~ Where all is young and in renew. ~ In Shangri-La A dreamscape, where I long to go. ~ But where it is, I do not know. It is not legend. It is true, For I have seen it in full view, ~ When I was there so long ago. ~ In Shangri-La. LLD [This message has been edited by Earth Angel (07-19-2009 08:26 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, Angel, there's no doubt you're the queen of La-La Land! This one is ideal...very nicely done. it's refreshing to know there is no do-do in Shangri-La. Sounds like paradise to me! |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Thanks, Teach! You can trust the word of an 'angel' ~ Shangri-La IS Paradise! ~ Now, if only I can find it again! LL |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Hi, Teach! I'm baaack! With my third Rondeau! I agree with you that this is an incredibly beautiful form of poetry! ~ When it is done well! ~ Which I'm hoping that I have managed to do! I await your verdict! In Camelot In Camelot, I dream of knight, Whose kisses make my heart take flight. So rapt am I, I cannot speak, I tremble and my knees grow weak, ~ When he appears on steed of white. His words of charm are sheer delight. I feel a spark ~ within, ignite. With gentle touch, he strokes my cheek. ~ In Camelot He comes to me in still of night, The moment I turn out the light. He doles the love for which I seek. My dreams are sweet. ~ No longer bleak, As I have wished with all my might. ~ In Camelot. LLD [This message has been edited by Earth Angel (08-22-2009 04:39 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Angel! You have turned into a Rondeau Rabble Rouser!! This one is great...very well done. As soon as I turn out the light. I think I would prefer.. The moment I turn out the light as being smoother and more poetic...but that's just me. May your Lancelot come riding by.....or, if you will settle for a knight in slightly tarnished armor...call me! |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Balladeer, I am so pleased with your suggestion!!! It's perfect! I laboured over that line and you came up with the perfect words! ~ That's why you're the teacher and I'm the student! Thank you! The change has been made! As for you being "a knight in slightly tarnished armor", I'm rather intrigued! Would you mind if I buffed you up a bit with a good rub and transform you into my knight in shining armour?  LL |
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Elias Nevermore Member
since 2007-11-03
Posts 152 |
Die mankind, shouts the lonely tree whose old friends he has long not seen, for they were lost to the dark fire which was used to fuel mankind's desire, since the ends justify the means. The vision of the tree is keen. He saw the fire destroy the green and now he shouts with all his ire, Die mankind. And now as all of mankind flees the repercussions of their means, all those who have survived are tired, silently hating men, those liars. They destroyed us. They are all fiends. Die mankind. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Elias, thank you for your participation! You did very well in following the rhyme scheme and structure of the poem....good job. I also like the premise of the poem, environmental destruction as seen from the eyes of nature. You were also very adept at making the sentences the same syllable length, with the exception of the 4th line in the first stanza.. The only problem I see with the poem is the meter., When I read the first two lines.. Die mankind, shouts the lonely tree whose old friends he has long not seen, I thought, "I'm in for a real treat!". Unfortunately the meter went downhill after that. The iambic was lost in the third line with "lost to the dark fire". The fourth line began with an anapest "which was used" and the fifth with a trochee "since the". The second stanza is wonderful. In the third stanza, you begin with a trochee in the fourth line "silently". The fifth line has little recognizable meter to it. Most of these are easily fixed and will enhance the message in your poem greatly. The other bone of contention is with "Die mankind". I think to give it more power and clarity it would be best to change it to "Die, mankind!" So, let me make a few minor adjustments and you can decide if you agree or not. You don't have to. After all, it's YOUR poem Die, mankind!, shouts the lonely tree whose old friends he has long not seen, for they were lost to darkened fires used up to fuel mankind's desires, the ends to justify the means. The vision of the tree is keen. He saw the fire destroy the green and now he shouts with all his ire, Die, mankind! And now as all of mankind flees the repercussions of their means, all those who have survived are tired. and hate men who are naught but liars destroying us, those evil fiends. Die, mankind! |
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Elias Nevermore Member
since 2007-11-03
Posts 152 |
Thank you Balladeer for your great advice. I've always had trouble writing in iambic pentameter, for the simple reason that I mostly write free verse poetry. However, these lessons you post int he poetry workshop have helped learn how to write when restricted to a form and a meter. They have allowed me to a new venue in which to use my creativity. I agree with the adjustments you made to the poem, for they greatly enhance the flow. I also liked the suggestion of placing more emphasis on the line "Die mankind" by changing it to "Die, mankind!". |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Hi, Elias! Powerful poem you've got there!  LL |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Balladeer ~ I do believe that the Rondeau is one of my favourite poetic forms to both read and write. Here's another go at one. When Night Time Falls (Rondeau) When night time falls, I slip away to realms beyond the light of day. I lie in bed in sweet repose as waking hours come to a close. With folded hands, to God I pray. I rise through stars in vast array and sail across the Milky Way. I feel at peace as heartbeat slows ~ When night time falls. In awe I view this grand display. Among the stars I wish to stay, to vibrate with the astral flows where mind expands and spirit glows, while I'm awash with Cosmic Ray. ~ When night time falls. LLD |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I just read my rondeau and realized it needed some tweaking ~ so here is my tweaked version. When Night Time Falls (Rondeau) When night time falls, I slip away to realms beyond the light of day. I lie in bed in sweet repose as moon's in rise at eve time's close. With folded hands, to God I pray. I rise through stars in vast array and sail across the Milky Way. I feel at peace as heartbeat slows ~ When night time falls. With awe I view this grand display. Among the stars, I wish to stay. I vibrate with the astral flows where mind expands and spirit glows. I am awash with Cosmic Ray. ~ When night time falls. LLD |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Very nice, Angel. You made some good improvements.. If I may, there is one other area worthy of consideration. There are purists who feel that contractions do not belong in poetry. I confess I use them myself, but only when necessary. as moon's in rise at eve time's close. ...could be written as "With moon in rise at evening close". You can decide what you like best..... |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Thank you, dear teach. However, if I may be so bold, I believe that there are nine syllables in your suggestion. I will most assuredly keep in mind that purists may not like contractions. Hmm, the poets in days of old used them i.e. e'er and o'er and they sure come in handy when you need to knock off a syllable! lol Thank you! I'm pleased that you like the improvements that I have made. I actually was rather embarassed when I went back and read my first version. Egads! LL |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, being bold does not always lead to accuracy Let's chalk it off to regional speech. I don't know anyone who pronounces evening as a three-syllable word..certainly no one in my part of the country does. If they do in yours, that's ok by me Actually I DO recall someone who pronounced it with three syllables. Dracula, upon greeting his guests and future victims, would say.. Good EV-EN-ING!  btw...e'er and o'er were the language of their day. Er have since progressed to air and oar |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Deer-ie me! You never cease to make me laugh. Well, I suppose in my neck of the Canadian woods, we're all a bunch of Dracula wannabes! You make learning so much fun, teach! I wish all my teachers had been as entertaining as you! May you have a "Good EV-EN-ING!" lol LL |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I agree. You do make learning fun, Balladeer. You caught my eye with that "no contraction" suggestion. I use them and will work to eliminate them (or cut back on them). Thank you - and, Linda, good ev-en-ing to you, dahlink. xooxo A |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
This journal's filled with poems and prose. Nonsense to you, I would suppose. Just words and thoughts straight from my mind, these pages are my life, defined. My deepest feelings are enclosed. My works have cons and they have pros but mostly honesty exposed, and at the end my name is signed. This journal's filled... The facts I've written, no one knows. Though now my secrets are disclosed. My creations are not refined onehundred percent of the time. Read on and see how they're composed. This journal's filled... *Amber |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ahhh, Amber! You have composed a beautiful rondeau! The subject matter is excellent and you had me gliding along with the beautiful flow of the lines. Then you lost it in two lines  "My creations are not refined onehundred percent of the time." You had a perefect iambic flow up to that point. These lines deviated from it. MY cre-A(-tions are) NOT re-FINED one HUN-(dred per)-CENT (of the) TIME. There is no recognizable meter there and the sentences are choppy. Let's see what we can do to correct them. Creations are not well-defined A full percentage of the time. You may not prefer "a full percentage" as much as "one hundred percent" but, if you fashion your poem in iambic (which you did in the first 11 lines), that is a phrase that just won't work because it cannot not be read iambically. Let me know what you think.....and thank you for tackling this form! |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
Thank you! See, I sensed that those lines didn't work very well.. I just couldnt think of anything that would work better. But your suggestion is great, it reads a lot more smoothly that way thanks!*Amber |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
My pleasure, Amber. Thank you for your participation! btw...I think "great percentage" would work better than "full". |
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