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A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Farewell Fishing Village (Iambic attempt) |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand 
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I walk along the beach Until my feet do reach The place where once there stood Some shanties made of wood A General of name Did stand to make a claim And gave them each a grand To up and leave their land The reason he proposed Or so the rumour goes "Its blocking from my sight The setting sun at night" Despite this tyrant plot The people rise did not. Instead they moved their town A small way further down. [This message has been edited by Claira (05-17-2008 12:44 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Arbez - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
OK I can see that the line The reason he proposed, is wrong. Two unstressed words next to each other.  Oh well back to the drawing (or should that be writing) board. And I don't think I've got it right on the first line of the last verse either  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I don’t know about the iambic thingy , but you did a good job of showing the dark side of “ Eminent domain “ or what ever else it’s called around the world . |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
Thank you chopsticks, I;ve actually changed the first two lines in the last verse (stanza?) and it feels more to the point now. Land grabbing is the term used here. There is a lot of it about. It mainly stems from the Khmer Rouge period but as land value goes up, there are the owners (rightfully IMO) from before the Khmer Rouge time and those who self awarded themselves the land after the war ended. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hello, Claira...nasty teacher here. I'll give you an A for the iambic and a D for how you reached it. One does not create iambic by sticking in unnecessary words wherever you need a stressed or unstressed syllable. I walk along the beach Until my feet do reach The place where once there stood Some shanties made of wood A General of name Did stand to make a claim And gave them each a grand To up and leave their land The reason he proposed Or so the rumour goes "Its blocking from my sight The setting sun at night" Despite this tyrant plot The people rise did not. Instead they moved their town A small way further down. Until my feet do reach Did stand to make a claim The people rise did not. When is the last time you said anything even remotely comparable to those sentences in real life? You can't just stick in a DO or DID for meter's sake and 'the people rise did not' sets a good example on how NOT to write structured poetry. Things like this give rhyming poetry a bad name, as they should. It is a sign of laziness in most cases. It is NOT a sign of laziness in your case, though. You are simply trying to get the iambic feeling down, I know. Ok, then....I can see you have the feel for iambic. Now do it with good lines and no fudging. Figure out ways to say something without sticking in words that don't belong there. Until my feet do reach--------->And smile as my feet reach Did stand to make a claim---------->Was said to make a claim The people rise did not---------------> The people argued not Those are quick examples off the top of my head. There are better ones. Hang in there, miss. I'm not trying to be overly-critical and I recognize the effort you are putting into this. Your da-DUM's are good. Now you can work on smoothness and content  |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
Thank you Balladeer, I really appreiciate your critique and the time you are giving me. I must confess that because I changed the line before, the people rise did not, I did fiddle with the original line to make it fit, promise I won't do that again teacher, a lesson learnt.  I'll work on it today and hopefully post the revised version later. I'm also coming to realise that I need to read more poetry, joining here has been great and does help. Now off to the bookshop to see what (if) there are any poetry books there. Quote --------------- When is the last time you said anything even remotely comparable to those sentences in real life? --------------- You'd be surprised, I keep speaking to Westerners in pidgin English  Again thank you for all your help. Claire Oh and by the way, you are not nasty, despite the playground gossip  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
You'd be surprised, I keep speaking to Westerners in pigeon English LOLOL!!!! Now THAT I can relate to....been there done that!  I look forward to the revision... Forget the playground gossip. Most of those kids have fallen off the teeter-totter one time too many!  |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
I've changed my post to say pidgin rather than pigeon, see I'm even losing what little language skills I had!! lol |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
How wonderful you understand iambic right from the beginning! All you need to do now is get rid of the 'forced'rhyming.' Try to write as how you would 'say'it. (says the one who used to be a master in forced rhyming. LOL) Wonderfully done though. |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
Thank you Munda, I am working on trying to break the forced rhyming Mr B, sorry but my assignment will be a bit late. My poem has grown legs and I'm trying to make sure it doesn't run away. I'm also going over everything I've learnt to make sure that I do understand.  I've got to sort of a few bar things over the next couple of days and I got Simoned last night when I closed.......I a bit worse for wear this morning  Promise I'm not playing hooky Claira |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Getting Simoned sounds like something I don't want details about! Take your time...we're here. |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
Hmmm maybe I could have put it a bit better. He is a bad influence on me, makes me drink too much.  Anyway back to lesson. As you have already copied my original attempt in your reply, I'll repost on the topic starter. Please go gently on me, not sure this is completely right and no idea if, where, how I should have punctuation. Tired eyes don't help. Oh and I've tried to rhyme internally with this attempt. Thank you dear teacher  Claire can't edit posts after 24 hours can you heheWhen first I heard the news, I was a tad confused The word had spread about; all villagers were out! We knew that yesterday, you heard the people say “Evicted from our plot, our livelihood is shot” Imagine my surprise, reality transpired It was another town, that they were tearing down With rifles on display the military doth sway All questions to be raised to help the homes be saved The place where once there stood, some shanties made of wood Was bulldozed and flattened. A tragic thing to happen! No restaurant or pans; no lobster pots or fans. No anglers or hooks, a long green fence with locks One General of name arrived to stake a claim and paid them each a grand for them to leave their land The reason he proposed or as the rumour goes "Its blocking from my sight, the setting sun at night" Despite this tyrant scheme the people did not seem To bother; neither fuss of unexpected loss A later time I saw returning to explore Instead they moved their town, a small way further down. [This message has been edited by Claira (05-22-2008 02:11 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Wow, Claira! This is really great, SO much better than your first attempt, by far. If drinking does this for you, stock up! only two things.... rhyming surprised and transpired really doesn't work. Yes, I know people support near-rhymes and I overlooked the others but this one's not close enough.. "Was bulldozed and flattened" kills the meter. The entire poem has an excellent beat and flow to it, all except for that one part. Find another way to say it and you have a quality product here |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
Thank you so much sir, for your comments. I'll try not to let it go to my head  I really do appreciate all the time you are taking to help and I'm sure I speak for all the students here.  I knew I should have worked on those two things lol I'll blame it on tired eyes and dead brain OK, I've changed the two offending parts. Farewell Fishing Village When first I heard the news, I was a tad confused. The word had spread about; all villagers were out! We knew that yesterday, you heard the people say, “Evicted from our plot, our livelihood is shot” Amid the raging fires, reality transpires It was another town, that they were tearing down With rifles on display the military doth sway All questions to be raised to help the homes be saved The place where once there stood, some shanties made of wood Demolished now, flattened. A tragic thing to happen! No restaurant or pans; no lobster pots or fans. No anglers or hooks. A long green fence with locks One General of name arrived to stake a claim and paid them each a grand for them to leave their land. The reason he proposed or as the rumour goes "Its blocking from my sight, the setting sun at night" Despite this tyrant scheme the people did not seem To bother; neither fuss of unexpected loss A later time I saw returning to explore Instead they moved their town, a small way further down. Claira [This message has been edited by Claira (05-24-2008 09:55 AM).] |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Claire, Great work, Sistah! I enjoy watching your work evolve. Glad you are here. Alison |
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Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
Thanks Alison, without you and your encouragement, I probably never would have tried to improve, just would have given up Claira |
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