Disco Inferno , er, Dactyl Internal

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Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

0 posted 2008-05-16 03:19 PM

Summon the guards for there's trouble afoot
Dactyllic feet often stray from the beat
try as I might they just will not stay put,
dashing to shards any hope for this bard.

Call out the cops for this meter's all wrong,
running around with a most awful sound
'bout like that band who once played "Bang-a-Gong"
please make it stop or my head's gonna pop!

Contact the feds for I swear it's a crime,
pencil a date with a tough magistrate,
make me return to the scene of the rhyme,
maybe instead put me back on my meds?

And so it goes, it's a far cry from Poes'
but, what the deuce, it ain't bad for a moose.

[This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (05-18-2008 11:39 AM).]

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 2008-05-17 04:51 PM

No one , can ever doubt you ingenuity, Doc and the dactyllic beat is smooth as silk.

BUT.....(how comes there's always a but?

)

There are three words I personally would have a problem with.....but that could just be me.

'bout like T-Rex when they played "Bang-a-Gong" In order to maintain the meter you would have to say t-REX. The only way I've ever heard it is T-rex.

please make it stop or my gut will flip-flop. Dactyllically, you would have to pronounce this flip-FLOP. I think FLIP-flop is more in line with the common pronounciation.

Dispatch the feds for I swear it's a crime, In my little corner of the world, it is pronounced dis-PATCH. dis·patch    - Show Spelled Pronunciation[di-spach] Pronunciation Key. Dictionary.com agrees...

Not meaning to nitpick (do mooses have nits?). Those just sorta jumped out at me.

Now, let's see. The end rhyme scheme is a-b-a-c, ending with a nifty little a,a- b,b internal rhyming couplet.  The dactyllic rhyme scheme is a - b,b, - a - c,c. The internal rhymes are exact, all rhyming the 4th and 10th syllables of their lines.

All in all, with your construction and your ability once again to combine two classes in one exercise

, I'd say it's a keeper. I'm not really an advocate of the a-b-a-c scheme because I think the last line should be a rhyming line, be it either a-b-a-b- or a-a-b-b......but that's just me. You do it any way you want and I'll still applaud your talent.

Not bad for a moose, indeed

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

2 posted 2008-05-17 08:45 PM

Balladeer,
All I can say is thanks very much for your in depth critique. I do tend to overstep my bounds when it comes to bending words to fit
my overall scheme. Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't. It is a pleasure and an edifying experience to swap words with you.
Despite my rather cavalier attitude, I do
respect your poetic expertise, although that may not be readily apparent. Be well
my friend.
Doc
An edited version will follow.

[This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (05-18-2008 08:50 AM).]

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

3 posted 2008-05-17 09:15 PM

Cavalier works for me, Doc. I sincerely appreciate your participation here...

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

4 posted 2008-05-18 04:31 AM

Dactyl? Dactyl? Heck, now I must find out what that is!

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