Lead Pellets (Soaked in Whispers)

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Poetry Workshop

Lead Pellets (Soaked in Whispers)

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-07-22 12:34 PM

Peer through the smoke
Into the eyes of the adversary,
Planning to smote
Him with a sopping incindiary.

The all-out war
Explodes with snipers afoot,
The veteran's corp
Knows the bounty of the loot.

Now hands are tied
Like hostages in authority,
Ransom notes lied
And rulers were left out to bleed.

Anarchy in class
Won't let the vacant sign stare
And this won't last
As the principal's voice blares.

Whispers escape,
But nothing else finds the exit;
Poor child soldiers,
Never meant to win, only to lose it.

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

1 posted 2004-07-22 03:33 PM

young_blood,
At first glance it would appear you've brought a gun to a spit-ball fight,
I'm thinking a little over-kill?
This is an excellently crafted piece,
if a little dark and brooding, but hey, I guess life ain't all slapstick and rubber chickens. Your theme carries well and I like your ending. As far as "onomatopoeia", your words describe lots of action, but, without the "sound effects". Oh, and you're right about this not lasting, my crown is more of a jesters hat, and I'll be all too happy to turn over the reins when the time comes.
Doc

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-07-22 04:48 PM

thanks doc, it was meant to be more brooding, but to me it became humorous as i tried to portray this darkened battlefield inside of my high school science class. laughter accompanied this writing. once again, thank you doc for watching over my writing.

Eromyna
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA

3 posted 2005-08-31 05:31 PM

"Planning to smote" Smote is a past-tense word. I'm going to complained.

It's only a tragedy after we bleed.
Your pain doesn't count 'til it's stained the sheets.

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