»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
Yukon Jack and Lime
| Poetry Workshop |
|
Yukon Jack and Lime |
|
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
|
Another Snakebite, Yukon Jack and lime, Obliviating lonely, grievous time And helping desp’rite, blurried eyes ignore The cruelly mocking, knocking barroom door. To drunken darkness I will soon succumb As dreamless sleep claims night’s residuum. My wroth, acerbic mood’s residuum, Made bitter by the aftertaste of lime, Begins to seethe as listless thoughts succumb To thoughts of Maggie’s disregard for time. A creaking jeer launched from the mocking door Proves, once again, its taunts I can’t ignore. Humiliation’s sting I could ignore But for the meddlesome residuum That echoes from that callous, mocking door. So knocking back another whiskey lime, And planning to remain here for a time, I feed my dour compulsion to succumb. Despite my burning, yearning to succumb, Clock’s smirking face and upraised hands ignore My sodden, torpid state. With strings of time Entangling sober sense residuum, Confounding numbing Yukon Jack and lime, It drags my weary eyes to watch the door. That damning, mocking, knocking barroom door! Why will its daunting, taunting not succumb To seven shots of Yukon Jack and lime? With seven Snakebites I cannot ignore It’s chilling, winter breath’s residuum! The barkeep fills my shot glass one last time. The time. The time. The creeping, crawling time. Then Maggie saunters in the barroom door, Dispelling somber thought’s residuum With her angelic smile. My wits succumb, My damaged pride I shamelessly ignore, As Maggie drinks my Yukon Jack and lime. Lips linger for a time and I succumb. I mock the mocking door and now ignore My ire’s residuum to savor lime. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-22-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim For one awful moment I thought we were back to the glorious days of one Ms Thatcher .. lol .. but well done .. you've made me more scared than ever .. Say something nice about my sonnet or I shall never have the courage to start a sestina let alone finish it  .Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 12-21-1999).] |
||
|
Georgia Junior Member
since 1999-12-22
Posts 32 |
jbouder, just read your work, and I feel I have to reply. I think it is great! but too detailed for the average person to read and understand. Keep trying you will succeed, I see great potential in your work. |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
When I read the first stanza, I had my doubts if you could pull it off with those end-words, but you did it!  My only complaint is that you reused the "mocking door" image repeatedly, when an equally effective substitute could have been found. Or, alternatively, less reference to that particular quality of the door made. Though I realize that it was intended as a sort of motif, it weakens with excessive repetition. Other than that, I would say you have done a magnificent job with this, and done an expansive job within very narrow confines. Applause!  --Kess You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks Philip and Kess. This was a monster to complete, as both of you probably realize. After three stanzas with those end words I was too far in to give up so I just kept plugging away. After five stanzas I was raving mad and carving Peanuts characters on the kitchen table. Thanks alot, Nan, for the memorable experience. The "mocking door" was a motif, of sorts. It served as the pathetic lout's scapegoat throughout the poem. Georgia: I'm glad you liked it. I appreciate your opinion on that matter but suspect that you are selling the "average person" short. Correct me if I'm wrong, but there shouldn't be anything so confusing in this that a good dictionary couldn't make clear. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
LMAO @ Peanuts Characters ... Naw, that isn't when you have to worry, Jim -- it's when you start ACTING like the Peanuts characters that you know its time to invest in a white jacket ... --Kess |
||
|
Georgia Junior Member
since 1999-12-22
Posts 32 |
jbouder, sorry if you took offense to my criticism of your poem, but I don't feel I should have to use a dictionary to enjoy a poem. The essence of any poem as simple as yours should be very clear. Keep up the good work, you write beautifully. |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
My hats off to anyone who has the guts to attempt a Sestina, let alone pull it off as well as you have |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim Me again. Hey I just thought I'd let you know I finished my effort (posted in the workshop shortly) , and appreciate now, even more, how well you did with this. Two more things. I actually thought the "mocking door" (after I had got "mocking bird" outta my thought) worked rather well as being the sort of repetitive reoccurence of thought an inebriated and annoyed person might have. I thought in fact the phrase improved with repetition. I disagree with Georgia's point quite strongly - I actually welcome any poem which makes me "work", and if this involves becoming familiar with new vocabulary then that is great. Once the word(s) is learned you can always read the poem again! Heaven forbid that we should always have to write down to the lowest expectation of literacy !! Good job ... kudos ... just an op. .. etc Philip |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
All righty - I climbed out of bed today... Still got my blankey in tow, though... Just call me Linus... I sure am glad someone around here got to celebrate on New Year's... Sounds like you did.. You've done quite a wonderful job here. Your theme develops well, along with your inebriation level... Your rhyme scheme works... and you've set your poem to iambic pentameter..... YIPPEE I have to agree with Poertree on the repetition.... Did ya ever notice that a good drinker talks about the same thing over and over again.... forever???....... Georgia - you'll need to read the guidelines for the sestina before we discuss the length of the poem.... and your punishment for not doing that first is that you'll have to write a double sestina with us next!!!......  :  small> [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 01-02-2000).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
