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Here's mine
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Here's mine |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA 
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This is truly work in progress - and may not end up this way at all... This is really just my first (well maybe second) draft - and it won't necessarily read like this in the end - Feel free to dissect it, my friends...  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ True intimacy's surely known ~ Clandestine musings freely shared With passion born of words alone, When love from inside out has grown. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Nancy Ness - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Geez...I wish I could disect it, but man. (Hey, they won't call me the teachers pet if I compliment this will they??) Actually Nan, this was fantastic...it flows very smoothly, the rhyme is great and I love the subject matter. |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
I don't know....if you start picking on the teacher, you could get kicked out of class!!! Seriously, how can you dissect your work, Nan? hehehe |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Well, I'm not in class, nor do I have any, so I can pick, pick, pick. Um...Nan...for some reason, and it could be the cold pizza I'm gnoshing on at present, 'Clandestine' comes off trochaic instead of iambic. Seems we have soft/hard; hard/soft; soft/hard; soft/hard. Now, if this is the actual scheme for the entire piece, with a trochaic second line, then run with it...will tweak the rhythm just enough to get the reader to read it again and again...just trying to find where the slip is... Alicat the persnikitty |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
ummm...I don't have enough knowledge to pick this apart...LOL. I do love the theme though! |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Ok, sitting here with Marilyn on this one!  Very cool theme.. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hey, NO FAIR! You didn't tell us we'd be matching swords with YOU, Nan ... This was just marvelous ... and it makes mine look like child's play in comparison ... perhaps when you finish it, you could name it "humble pie", as in, "this will serve you up a slice of"? *Sigh* ... oh well, I'm sure there's SOMETHING I can do better than you ... hey, can you sing in Gaelic..? Nocht |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Gawdm Nocht, your REALLY REALLY sucking up now...of course Nan's is going to be perfect...that's why she's teaching. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Alright...I feel very inferior here. All of these great poets. I am the one that needs sooooooo much help. I knew I should have paid more attention in my high school english class...LOL. Please forgive me Nan. I come off not knowing a thing and well I don't. I write what comes from my heart and that is as much as I know. I am learning and trying. Please everyone just be patient with me. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Perhaps I should consider accepting bribery too???? |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
We have patients - They're all painting masterpieces over at the 'stute in the Fiction Forum... |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Michael! I am NOT kissing up!! (jeez, is it really THAT obvious..?) No, really, I think this IS really good, but I obviously failed miserably in my attempt at false humility. I like (most) of what I write ... I think I speak for most of us here (though this may be a bit presumptuous) when I say if we weren't proud of our writing, we wouldn't post it! What really gets me about Nan is her diction ... she always seems to come up with some obscure word or another, while all of my poems seem to recycle the same tired old words ... I love it when I have to break out the dictionary to understand a poem, or at least when I see a word that I haven't seen in a while! OK, now I'm rambling ... and don't anyone nail me with a "Methinks thou protest too much," either!! Nocht |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Ok Nan...I edited mine...when ever you get a chance to look at it...*S* |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
I really *love* that last line,"When love from inside out has grown". Can't wait to see how this turns out with that line repeating. Come to think of it, all 4 lines are pretty darn good. What, are you an English teacher or something? Oh, btw, do we get graded on our comments, too? What's the Comment Criteria? Does wit count? How about spelling and grammar? In depth critiques? Just curious....hehehe -dp |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
Hey no fair...the teacher's not supposed to write on too. But this is very beautiful so far Nan. I can't wait to see the finished product. Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! |
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