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A Father's Love - Now Revised
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A Father's Love - Now Revised |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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A Father’s Love - [original]  Perhaps wilder flowers somewhere may grow But brilliant is this vision that he sees What seeks sunlight as in green grass they glow In pasture’s wild, still in fields that are free Too beautiful to pluck, they blaze in sun Cherishing the night when dew comes to them They, counting those stars that seem on the run Awaiting morn’s sun to brighten their stems. Childish fingers may pluck, some day, this glow In gleeful laughter, to mother, she’ll run Father will watch as, some day, when she grows In pasture wild, a love’s brilliant young one He tends to her future, so that it holds Flowers brilliant, with hearts full of bright gold ~*~ Side note: This photo was taken on my son-in-law's farm, where he hopes to build a home some day for his child. I took this picture, and tonight...lo and behold, perhaps I have a sonnet? If so, let me know.If not, I beseech the poets to help me, as I would LOVE to frame the thought behind the photo, to gift the son. Help? |
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| © Copyright 2003 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Okay, Karilea...here ya go.  As I already told you, this is a beautiful write. And, per your request, here are my suggestions for changing some of the 'DA-dums' to 'da-DUMS'. ______________________ Perhaps the wilder flowers somewhere grow But brilliant is this vision that he sees What seeks warm sunlight as in grass they glow In pasture’s wild, still in fields that are free Too beautiful to pluck, they blaze in sun And cherish night when dew will come to them While counting stars appearing on the run Awaiting morning sun to brighten stems. May childish fingers pluck, some day, this glow In gleeful laughter, to her mother, run Her Father watching, some day, when she grows In pasture wild, love's brilliant little one He, tending to her future so it holds Sweet flowers, with the hearts of brightest gold _______________________ Use what you like...discard what you don't...or ignore the whole thing, and go with the original. I hope this helps a little. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Vicky, this is a wonderful suggestion! Now let's see what Pete does to it! Then of course, Nan will have a say-so.... but I can't wait to take all the suggestions and gift this to Jeff.... thank you! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, I'll give it a shot. As Vicky said, this is really a beautiful theme and a worthy gift, as it is. To make a real sonnet though it still could use a little touching up. I really like what Vicky did for the meter except for line 4 which still makes me stumble a little. I also found a couple of words (really word combinations) that read a little awkwardly. So here is my quick suggestion, well, quick for me anyway. Is there a place where wilder flowers grow? So brilliant is the vision that he sees; It seeks the sunlight's warmth in grass's glow, In pastures and in meadows wild and free. Too beautiful to pluck, they blaze in sun And cherish night when dew will moisten them While counting stars appearing on the run Awaiting morning sun to brighten stems. May childish fingers someday pluck this glow In gleeful laughter, to her mother run; Her Father watching, someday, when she grows In pastures wild, love's brilliant little one. He, tending to her future so it holds Sweet flowers with the hearts of brightest gold. Hope this helps a little too. Pete (oops, typo) [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (05-29-2003 12:07 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Taking this to writer's group this evening to let members have their two cents...or ten cents worth....or more.... and will hopefully repost a revision in this thread soon....  |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Karilea, However this turns out it touches this father's heart as I know where mine lies... If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
A Father’s Love [revised] Is there a place where wilder flowers grow So brilliant is this vision that he sees What seeks warm sunlight as in grass they glow In pastures and in meadows, wild and free Too beautiful to pluck, they blaze in sun To cherish night when dew will moisten them While counting stars appearing on the run Awaiting morning sun to brighten stems. May childish fingers pluck, some day, this glow In gleeful laughter, to her mother, run Her Father watching some day, when she grows In pastures wild, love’s brilliant little one. He, tending to her future, so it holds Sweet flowers with their hearts of brightest gold. Karilea Jungel For Father's Day 06-15-03 Note to Pete and Vicky....I put you both in a bag, took you to the writer's group, we mixed you up well, and this poured back out. Thank you both for all your help. I'm mailing this to my son-in-law today. Did I say, Thank you so much for your help? Yep, I believe I did...  Larry...I hope my son-in-law will feel it like you do. I have a hunch, he will. [This message has been edited by Sunshine (06-10-2003 06:54 AM).] |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Karilea, Mine lies near flowers on the woods edge where squirrels play and birds sing as the wind whistles in tall evergreens as the sun and rain flirt with the lake down the hill. Sweet peace to you and yours... If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hey folks...my son-in-law received this before Father's Day... and my step-daughter said "he cried." So...I must have pushed the daddy buttons? And Larry...I know...  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
If you brought a tear to the eye of someone you love, then what's in a da-DUM or two?... This is a wonderful write, Karilea - I'm sure he loved it...  |
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