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my first sonnet
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my first sonnet |
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
Iraq Was it wrath that caused the bloodied lakes A thousand years of tears could not wipe away The wound embedded deep beneath the clay Oh Euphrates and Tigris did you then awake Watching the unremorseful torches sway To char and still the lips of those at pray seeking the widowed mothers hearts to break Ten centuries the banks, crimson stained And ten years since and now again The scenes of carnage persistently recur The agony, and countless rights unnamed The tarnished waters, soothe and calm the pain you’ll heal, love, and thrive, better than before. Kansaa |
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| © Copyright 2003 fayth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
Made a mistake!! Its supposed to be eight lines so I've added the eightth: Was it wrath that caused the bloodied lakes A thousand years of tears could not wipe away The wound embedded deep beneath the clay Oh Euphrates and Tigris did you then awake And hear the smothered cries and ache Watching the unremorseful torches sway To char and still the lips of those at pray seeking the widowed mothers hearts to break Ten centuries the banks, crimson stained And ten years since and now again The scenes of carnage persistently recur The agony, and countless rights unnamed The tarnished waters, soothe and calm the pain you’ll heal my life, and thrive, better than before. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Fayth, I really like the way you compressed so much history into just 14 lines. Your rhyme works very well but your meter rambles a bit. |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi Fayth, welcome to class. Teach Nan could explain it far better than I, but as I recall, a sonnet must have five da-dums in each line. Keep trying, once you get the hang of the meter, it's so much fun to write sonnets. Titia Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
 I feel very dumb. Hi guys! What is the meter? Is it the da da dum that titia says? Well I will try again. But should I go to elementary class first to know the basics, should I do a search for the first classes-or are you all professional? You all sound so great that you know, I've stopped doing my silly rhymes, I get so much pleasure reading yours!! |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
A magnificent poem! A first attempt? THis was really great You have a wondereful sonnet here and just some small adjustments in meter will make it perfect! A pleasure to read! Liz |
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
dear Liz, thanks soo much for the encouragement, I've tried again but I feel it still needs hard work. the day peace died Blistering sun looked down upon the seething fray And ships were wrecked and death did gloat and joy ‘Wait up’ cried life, ‘why all this strife, oh pray! Share your woes, your grievances- why hate and why annoy?’ Reason lived in other spheres, life’s pleas were just ignored ‘Peace’ they cried ‘has just died; this is our domain. And all who wish can join with Peace in heavenly abode’. The battling feet to sea kicked out Peaces remains. So Judgment fled and hid instead, afraid And honor cried, thrice pierced; its heart was done. And Peace had died, no blood had touched her blade. She fought with pen and words, she fought alone. And Peace had died and fallen, fifty fathoms deep That those who loved her, those who hoped should weep. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Fayth. If I may be presumptious, how about this as a first suggestion? The blazing sun looked down upon the fray And ships were wrecked and death did gloat with joy ‘Wait up’ cried life, ‘why all this strife, oh pray! To share your woes -- why hate and why annoy?’ And reason lived; life’s pleas were just ignored; ‘And peace’ they cried ‘has died in our domain And all who wish can join in hell's abode’. The battling feet to sea kicked our remains. So Judgment fled and hid instead, afraid And honor cried, thrice pierced; its heart was done. And Peace had died, no blood had touched her blade. She fought with pen and words, she fought alone. And Peace had died and fallen, fathoms deep That those who loved her, those who hoped should weep. It may change the context here and there and it doesn't attemp to fix the rhyme scheme, which is a strict requirement of a sonnet. But it does get the meter straight, which also s terribly important. Hope I didn't offend by clobbering up your poem. Pete |
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
thanks!! Hello Pete, I will study it- its awefully difficult this meter business, one day, maybe I will get it right. And of course you didn't offend, if I may be presumptious, I think I deserve your nickname more than you. all the best and thanks again  |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi fayth, I really enjoyed your sonnet.... you're not alone trying to learn meter, I am too and yes you're right it aint easy. I'm stuck on the last few lines. Maree |
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
Hi MAree, thanks for the encouragement I'm going to keep at in until I get there, take care. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Fayth, Welcome to Passions! And welcome to Nan's Poetry Workshop. Your heart is in the right spot, and as a novice at sonnets, I'm not even going to try to critique, but I will say...listening to Pete can be a GOOD thing! |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Hi Fayth! It is terrific to have you in this class. Your themes are excellent and topics that you develop well and that are not easy subjects to tackle. I find this very impressive. Not silly rhymes. I'm enjoying learning these poetry forms and get very silly in my responses. Hang with us. You'll see. It's great to see new talent in here. Hope that you enjoy the workshop and it's people as much as I do. They have been very kind and helpful to me and the worldwide connection to poets is heartwarming and encouraging. Shenachie |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Here’s how I read your poem, fayth – with the syllables in regular font receiving the unstressed sound (da), while the bolded syllables receive the heavier stress (DUM)… quote: Here are my suggestions to smooth out the meter. Every line should consist of five iambic feet – da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM… Your third line is perfect - The wound embedded deep beneath the clay Some possible variations for consistent iambic pentameter throughout… quote: That took very little nipping & tucking, fayth – Nice job…. But - Remember – Don’t take any advice that doesn’t feel right to you – This is your poem – No one else’s…  [This message has been edited by Nan (06-13-2003 07:50 PM).] |
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