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Sonnet I
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Sonnet I |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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Sonnet I To catch, without entangling, a string Cache a line, a beam of light I bring To you, here, and in the now of moment For thoughts from and of you have swiftly lent A still becalmed, sweet warmth of soul, a sigh For within lay thoughts, so sure, you and I Serene, glimpse this great gay scene yet to come For belief is to know you are "the one" To see in shadows of yesteryears’ night To what will be seen in morning's first light Believe this reverie, this, you in me For to hear my name on your lips, you see… Or hold as a token, respect’s belief One day to breathe in kind, sweetest relief 01.28.01 Reworked 05.07.03 |
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| © Copyright 2003 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Wowser! keeping this Sunshinygirl!  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kari, I am pleased that you actually tackled a sonnet. After all, it has to rhyme and be metric  Being somewhat of a sonnet junkie, I have to make a couple of comments on this one. The content and word usage are quite enjoyable and the rhyming is well done. But the rhymes are not in the right places or right order anyway. You have done rhyming couplets where the lines should sort of alternate as in a-b-a-b, etc instead of a-a-b-b. Finally, your meter is not iambic pentameter. thanks, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (05-14-2003 01:16 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Yes Pete, quite right. I "discovered" my errors when we took the lesson to Prairie Inkwells this week [we follow the monthly lesson plans] and in reading Nan's outline, then a few of the homework assignments that were turned in, it went smack upside my head that my meter was off as well as showing couplets as opposed to an abab, cdcd rhyme scheme. Bad Bad Karilea! So, I will be making an attempt to rewrite this while keeping the gist of the theme. But don't expect much by the way of meter. I keep trying, but to 'Enry 'Iggin's chagrin, I just don't seem to "have it!"  Persistent, aren't I?  [This message has been edited by Sunshine (05-26-2003 07:31 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, keep it up, dear lady. I know you have the talent. I do understand how hard it must be for you to write in meter though. At least I should say I can't seem to write without it. Maybe it was my past life as a musician  that causes this malady Thanks, Pete |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
I've finally a moment to sit and savor this. I read it sometime ago. It tells me that I'd better get my sonnet act together! I find a heartfelt warmth within this, somewhat reminiscent of Nancy Lee's speaking of love. Lucky is the soul for whom this is written. KJ |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Nahh... nothing wrong with making the sonnet format your own. I wouldn't change this, Sunshine. I mean, I usually use my own sonnet rhyme scheme when I do them... whatever works for you, as long as it's the same size and in iambic pentameter, I'd still call it a sonnet. Shakespearean, Italian, Spenserian, Sunshinian... however you like 'em. |
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
Hi, Dear Sunshine, I just wanted to say if you wanted to fill my heart with warmth and sunshine you succeeded. Thank you for the pleasure I had in reading it. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
A Sunshinian Sonnet...why LP...I'll bet no one ever thought THAT would come into play! LOL... |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
I like the idea of a Sunshinian sonnet. This is great. Your poetry is always blessed with grace and style and you bless us with it. Don't ever stop! Shenachie [This message has been edited by Bridget Shenachie (05-26-2003 11:32 PM).] |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Karilea~ Well, lady ... me WUB your thoughts ... AND your optimism at naming it 'Sonnet I' must mean you're working on more ?? Not me ... did my one and only ... and if not for Denise Snyder ... I'd have been STRESSED to the max. She makes the explanation of stress-value and placement easier to understand ... but I still needed her red pencil to set me straight~ Got some of that Extra Strength Tylenol left ! Want some ?? I'll be on the playground for the duration of the summer ! So much to do there~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
This is a wonderful piece... of course - It's sunshiny...  I'm not going to work with your rhyme scheme, as LP has already covered that point. Let's look at your meter - That's the difficult part for you. I've taken each line and commented upon it separately so you can see where it needs some work... quote:  ...note..."schmoozable" means I can make it fit into iambic pentameter as I'm reading for purposes of uniform meter... [This message has been edited by Nan (06-16-2003 07:42 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Keep me in line, Nan...thank you for your fine suggestions. We still have some June to go...I'll hone this one and then...heh...attempt one more. Okey dokey? |
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