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ESP
Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

0 posted 2003-05-08 12:35 PM


Here you are, teacher, I've done it!! (Only I don't think it's quite there ) Did my best though

Truth and Lies

If the truth is a lie turned inside out,
If darkness is a mere trick of the light,
If fear entraps you in bondage of doubt,
Someone touching you incites you to fight.

Can’t let you inside, can’t let you get close,
Need walls, masks, as protection for my heart,
Fighting so hard against what I want most,
Hiding, always, from when things fall apart.

Maybe you see in me more than is there,
It’s a maze of illusions, nothing more.
Pain is the end if you let yourself care,
So do we want to see what lies in store?

I wish I could show you the world through my eyes,
But would a different perspective show truth or lies...



"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

© Copyright 2003 ESP - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2003-05-14 01:06 AM


Hi Liz,

I love the content and rhyme. I think you might work on the meter a bit though.

Pete

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
2 posted 2003-05-14 03:22 PM



I second Pete, it's a beautiful verse, but you should watch your da-dum-da-dums

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
3 posted 2003-05-26 05:08 PM


It's almost there - Your theme develops well - and your rhyme scheme is intact.

Your only stumbling block is your meter...

Here are a couple of suggestions - with meter adjustments in bold...

If the truth is but a lie turned inside out,
If darkness is a mere trick of the light,
If fear entraps you in the bonds of doubt,
If someone touching you incites a fight.

Can’t let you in, can’t let you get too close,
Need walls and masks, protection for my heart,
A fight so hard against what I want most,
In hiding from the times things fall apart.

You'll maybe see in me more than what's there,
A mazed illusion, and there's nothing more.
Pain is the end if you let yourself care,
So do we want to see what lies in store?

I wish that I could show you through my eyes,
But would  perspective show in truth or lies...

Looking good... Remember - Don't take any advice that doesn't feel right...

[This message has been edited by Nan (05-26-2003 05:10 PM).]

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
4 posted 2003-05-27 12:03 PM


Wow!  Impressive sonnet with an outstanding theme--fear of intimacy.  This is so good that I can see why our experts want to help perfect it.  Looks like you're moving to the head of the class.



Shenachie

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
5 posted 2003-05-27 10:51 AM


SweetLilLizzie~
YOU are well on your way to the 'playground'~
I'll save you a place in the Sonnet Sandbox !

A 'little' tweak and you're home free !
Your theme is BEAUTIFUL !

Hey ... I have some EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL left !
If it hadn't been for Denise Snyder ... I'd STILL have been STRESSING !

Sonnet form is not my forte ... and I darned well know it ... but, I got my one and only done !
And ... I even had a note from the Doc to lay out on this one !!!

Print it and frame it .... cause it'll probably be the FIRST - LAST - and ONLY~

Love you gal~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

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