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jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2003-01-17 11:41 PM

(I wonder if this here iambic rule allows us to change pace/meter within one poem.
*shrug* anyways, I’ve made the last line of each stanza into a 3-tap beat. Can we still dance to this tune?)

The gift of fear, it wears a face,
its knowing smirk sets boundaries
on every flash of joy that comes.
Impulses self-destruct, we peer
into a future seeming bleak,
uncertain, out of reach.

Thus love is tarnished and defined
with a begining and an end.
With every separation, trust
will vanish and this fear intrudes-
a guest unwelcome and unsung.
It bears no gift at all.

I hold your hand, yet I still fear
of losing you, and I begin
to shudder at your touch.

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

1 posted 2003-01-18 11:51 AM

Your ending line having 6 count to it,  does
seem to cause a sudden stop to each stanza.
I am muddling over this a little...My first
reaction is I kinda like reading it that
way.    The poem as a whole....I think it
is beautifully done..

But,  one thing to remember...in ways I am
just the rookie too...and the Boss,  she
can surely help us both on this..

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

2 posted 2003-01-18 09:11 PM

jjote,
As it stands, this is a well written poem. It has all the elements necessary to convey the theme. As for form, I'm at a loss, but then again, form only counts if you're attempting to follow it.
Doc

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 2003-01-26 12:10 PM

One of the best crafted poems I've read is Francis Scott Key's "Star Spangled Banner."

This is the US National Anthem, and as such is well known to pretty much every American... But - Few know that the poem is comprised of several stanzas... Each one perfectly formatted in anapestic tetrameter... except for the second and forth lines in each stanza..
/pip/Forum26/HTML/000077.html

Deviating from a format can enhance a poem greatly - In your case, you've done so consistently throughout - an obvious poetic tool... I like it...

OH - and BTW - You've done a nice job with your imagery as well - Great metaphors, jjote...

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

4 posted 2003-01-27 10:53 PM

Very impressive poem! I read Miss Nan's response and was pleased with her answer to your question of meter. This poem is so insightful. I am getting ready to post a poem with a slightly different take on the same subject. Hope that you are not offended. It seems a bit like showing up at a social event wearing a duplicate dress.
Thank you for posting. It's great having you in the class.

Shenachie

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