Terza Rima II - Evermore Winter

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Poetry Workshop

Terza Rima II - Evermore Winter

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

0 posted 2002-11-24 05:18 PM

Terza Rima II

The winter world suddenly seems synthetic,
Greens unchanged are less bright,
Plastics and polaroids on capton pathetic.

Cunning yet feeble wills now weild might,
West's noon past, its sun kindles the sea,
And East fares worse in black corrupt light.

The grief of ages, passed through blood, lays heavy on me,
It seems most great deeds of seeds are done;
A unique people each day these withering shores does flee.

I remember the vile sins of days past - each one,
Yet in this age it has been cruel a jest to be born,
I would rather nothing then mouldy bread - aye none!

Now my will however strong receives nought but scorn,
To the stench surrounding and smoke rising most apathetic,
Surrounded ever by willful folly I fear myself forlorn.

-majnu
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Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

1 posted 2002-11-27 01:19 PM

I like the theme and I like the words you used to put this onto paper, but I had some difficulty reading your poem though. Up to the third stanza, third line, it reads very nicely, but then it reads kind of "forced into shape for the sake of the rhyme." Almost as if you're writing in two different styles, but of course that's only my personal opinion.

Other than that I really, really like it.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

2 posted 2002-12-01 07:53 PM

This is interesting, for sure... I see a good development of theme.. and a rhyme scheme well intact. Although your meter is inconsistent, you've used some very effective imagery in this piece.... I particularly like "...the sun kindles the sea"

I enjoyed this one...

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