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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Death of Love ( Terza Rima ) |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States 
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Terza Rima By: Paul Wilson Death of Love With no one in my life where do I start The door to my heart closing forever Life’s sorrows have left their mark on my heart Walls protect me now...love again never A prisoner of my own invention To love again too much to endeavor This love of ours a misapprehension Hearts now scarred with so much hurt, painful lies I gave you all my love and attention More and more each night this heart slowly dies Solitude and darkness now my lover Tears from my heart echoing our goodbyes Loneliness wrapping me in it’s cover Protecting my heart from all hurt and pain From this nightmare I may not recover I will never love again...I abstain It would be a lie for me to pretend My heart broken once...for love was in vain This may be hard for you to comprehend Loves funeral today... I will attend |
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| © Copyright 2002 Paul D. Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Paul, I'm still learning, so bear with me on my attempts to help you... Your rhyme scheme is dead on from what I could tell. Iambic pentameter is not absolute, but I've been told we can be lax on that with no marks against us. Here are my suggestions: you used "now" a lot, and I thought perhaps I could revise a couple of lines without losing it's intent; also, I believe the last stanza is to be a couplet, hence the revisions below: With no one in my life where do I start The door to my heart closing forever Life’s sorrows have left their mark on my heart Walls protect me now…love again never A prisoner of my own sad invention To love again, too much to endeavor This love of ours a misapprehension Hearts now scarred with so much hurt, painful lies I gave you all my love and attention More and more each night this heart slowly dies Solitude and darkness, now my lover Tears from my heart echoing our goodbyes Loneliness wrapping me in it’s cover Protecting my heart from all hurt and pain From this nightmare I may not recover I will never love again...I abstain It would be a lie for me to pretend My heart was broken once...for love was vain This may be hard for you to comprehend Loves funeral today... I will attend |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
I fight with rhyme scheme and pentameter......*groans* I really like the thought and content this holds. I know that you can 'read' me |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Sunshine~ Thank you so much for reading and the positive suggestions. THe way you changed a few words makes it read alot smoother without losing my original thoughts. I will edit it using your ideas if that is okay with you...Paul |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Donna~ Thank you for taking time to read. I have no idea how to write proper poetry, I just sort of go with what comes out of my head. Maybe someday I will do it right. I never heard of Terza Rima or any other type of poetry until about 2 months ago. Live and learn...Paul |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
The challenges and the workshop have all prove fun and indeed.....challenges.....but in the long run no matter how we write we still all hold one common ground.... we write from the heart.  |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Donna~ You are so right. Thanks...Paul |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I like the darkness in your poem and with the little changes Sunshine made it's easier to read indeed. Well done! |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Hi Paul! Wow! This poem aptly descibes the withdrawal woes at the death of a relationship. Excellent write! Shenachie |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
You've got a very interesting poem here, Paul... You've developed your theme well, and you've got a great rhyme scheme. Sunshine is right about the iambic pentameter not being mandatory, so you're off the hook there. I particularly liked the finale, with Love's having died... with full funeral rites... |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Munda~ So glad you took time to read. Sunshine was very helpful in making this flow smoother. Thanks for the reply...Paul Bridget~ Thanks for the sweet reply. Glad you could relate to it...Paul Nan~ Thanks for the vote of approval. Really glad you think that I did okay. You know I'm just trying to learn & I really appreciate all your help in the workshop...Paul |
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