The Evil Seed--Terza Rima attempt

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Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

0 posted 2002-11-18 11:16 PM

The Evil Seed

An ugly, evil seed, this jealousy,
Unleashing greed and avarice and lust.
Peace, joy contaminated by envy.

Jealousy questions what is right and just.
Betrayals, real or imagined, torment
The psyche, undermining sacred trust.

Insidious jealousy starts torrents
Of poisonous thought and cruel action.
What once was noble is now abhorrent.

Contentment lost in dissatisfaction.
Suspicion and paranoia increase.
Judgment, attack and retaliation.

Hatred escalates, the war will not cease.
Justice is lost, neither side can forgive.
Insanity, pain, confusion increase.

Whatever happened to live and let live?
Love, truth, beauty, wisdom vacate the soul.
Spirituality gone. Nothing gives.

Can we restore ourselves, make the world whole?
End the war. Let understanding transcend.
Cease all resentment. Silence the drum roll.

Shenachie

Note: I just can't get my iambic meter right. I would appreciate any comments.

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

1 posted 2002-11-19 12:16 PM

i like the poem itself. until the last stanza where you use questions it flows well. the questions are a bit obtuse when they end in the middle of a line. much more so than a period because a question implies a change of tone.

about the meter. i did a bit of research and discovered that the iambic pentameter is optional . many more modern poets have used more lenient, different, or no set meter at all.

for example, pinsky's relatively recent translation of the divine comedy is very lenient with rhyme and meter. others such as auden and eliot have used variations and lenient form. the point is you are in good company in your imperfections.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

[This message has been edited by majnu (11-19-2002 12:17 AM).]

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

2 posted 2002-11-19 09:53 AM

Thanks Majnu! I appreciated your comments and mades some minor changes. Thank you for reading.

Shenachie

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

3 posted 2002-11-20 06:40 PM

Bridget, I think it's amazing how you describe and question jealousy in so many ways, using so many different words. Heck, I even had to look up two of them. (I love it to learn new words. Thanks) But for that very reason I was a little surprised to see you use the word "jealousy" in the first, second and third stanza. All of a sudden it seemed a bit "overly used", but that of course is only my personal opinion.

Other than that I really think this is a great Terza Rima.

I hope Nan will have some time to help you out with your meter. I'm having a real hard time lately getting any kind of meter correct.

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

4 posted 2002-11-20 08:32 PM

I'm with Munda, but I think this is very cleverly written. LOL I needed my dictionary a bit more than Munda.

Jealousy is a nasty thing.

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2002-11-20 10:00 PM

There's a whole lot of good advice in here, m'friend!

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

6 posted 2002-11-21 04:16 PM

Munda--Thank you for the kind words.  They mean a lot coming from you.

Titia--Thanks for reading and commenting. You give me a lot of credit for cleverness and I thank you.  How does one say "jealousy" in Dutch?
I am having a lot of computer difficulties and it is going into the shop today (again!). I hate missing out on the current posts, especially yours.

Sunshine--Thank you.  I try to follow my own advice.  It helps to have such a wonderful role model.  My admiration for you is heartfelt.

Shenachie

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

7 posted 2002-11-21 05:27 PM

Bridget, very well composed Terza Rima. I myself questioned the meter usage in the Terza because it is at times very hard to maintain with the aba rhyme scheme......
*groans* Rhyme scheme.......even that was new to me. You tackled this Terza with a very difficult subject that I can identify well with. Very well done.

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

8 posted 2002-11-21 06:06 PM

Hehe... jealousy in Dutch? Jaloersheid - Afgunst - Jaloezie. Please don't try to pronounce that, as it will only leave you with a sore throat.

Paul Wilson

Member Elite

since 2002-07-07

Posts 4711
United States

9 posted 2002-11-22 11:37 PM

Bridget~ I don't know iambic from popcorn but you did a super job with this Terza Rima
Paul

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

10 posted 2002-12-01 08:58 AM

Hi Bridget - You've developed a great theme here, and incorporated the Terza Rima rhyme scheme beautifully. As you said, your meter is off... As for suggestions? Here's how I read your poem...

quote:

An ugly, evil seed, this jealousy, (iambic pentameter intact)
Unleashing greed and avarice and lust. (iambic pentameter intact)
Peace, joy contaminated by envy. (can't discern meter)

Jealousy questions what is right and just.
Betrayals, real or imagined, torment can't discern meter)
The psyche, undermining sacred trust. (iambic pentameter intact)

Insidious jealousy starts torrents (can't discern meter)
Of poisonous thought and cruel action. can't discern meter)
What once was noble is now abhorrent. (nearly iambic pentameter)

Contentment lost in dissatisfaction. (nearly iambic pentameter)
Suspicion and paranoia increase. can't discern meter)
Judgment, attack and retaliation. can't discern meter)

Hatred escalates, the war will not cease. (nearly iambic pentameter)
Justice is lost, neither side can forgive. can't discern meter)
Insanity, pain, confusion increase. (nearly iambic pentameter)

Whatever happened to live and let live? can't discern meter)
Love, truth, beauty, wisdom vacate the soul. can't discern meter)
Spirituality gone.  Nothing gives. can't discern meter)

Can we restore ourselves, make the world whole? (almost iambic pentameter)
End the war.  Let understanding transcend. (can't discern meter)
Cease all resentment.  Silence the drum roll. can't discern meter)

Some of your lines are written in iambic pentameter - Others are more trochaic (LONG/short).. and some are a mixture.

Let's see if I can make a few suggestions...

An ugly, evil seed, this jealousy, (leave as is)
Unleashing greed and avarice and lust. (leave as is)
Peace, joy contaminated by envy. ("Envy" isn't a good end rhyme here because it's trochaic in nature)

Jealousy questions what is right and just. ("Jealousy" is trochaic - the rest of the line is fine)
Betrayals, real or imagined, torment (be-TRAY/als-REAL/or-im-AG/ined-tor-MENT) - Awkward mixture here
The psyche, undermining sacred trust. (leave as is)

Insidious jealousy starts torrents (in-SID/i-OUS/JEAL/ous-Y/STARTS/TOR-ents) Awkward mixture with trochaic ending
Of poisonous thought and cruel action. (of-POI/son-OUS/THOUGHT/and-CRU/el-AC/tion (the same - awkward with trochaic end)
What once was noble is now abhorrent. Try justaposing the "now" with the "is".. What once was noble now is abhorrent (that works)

Contentment lost in dissatisfaction. (the word "dissatisfaction" is trochaic - not a good end rhyme in iambic meter)
Suspicion and paranoia increase. (sus-PIC/ion-and-PAR/a-NOI/a-in-CREASE) Awkward and out of meter
Judgment, attack and retaliation. (JUDG/ment-a-TACK/and-re-TAL/i-A/tion) Mixed meter with a trochaic end rhyme

Hatred escalates, the war will not cease. (Trochaic)
Justice is lost, neither side can forgive. (mostly trochaic, but a good end rhyme)
Insanity, pain, confusion increase. (Try justaposing "pain" & "confusion") Insanith, confusion, pain increase.

Whatever happened to live and let live? (LIVE-and/LET-live) Trochaic
Love, truth, beauty, wisdom vacate the soul. (Totally mixed meter)
Spirituality gone.  Nothing gives. ("spirituality" is anapestic - LONG-short-short - not a good word for iambic meter)

Can we restore ourselves, make the world whole? (first half OK - second half sounds like MAKE-the-world-WHOLE)
End the war.  Let understanding transcend. (Begins trochaically - ends iambically)
Cease all resentment.  Silence the drum roll. (Trochaic)

Does any of that makes sense?  Your poem is great... I know you want to work on meter, so see what you can do with those suggestions?

I enjoy digging into your work, Bridget - You're so anxious to master it...

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

11 posted 2002-12-02 11:24 PM

Gentle Spirit--Thank you for reading and commenting.  Rhyme was all that I could manage with this attempt.  I wonder if I can master meter...

Munda--Thank you for the lesson in Dutch.  I truly admire your use of the English language.

Paul--Thank you for the kind words.  I know that I prefer popcorn to iambic.  Must have a discipline problem.

Miss Nan--I really appreciated your careful scansion of my terza rima.  You give me hope, dear lady.  Thank you for the help and encouragement.

Shenachie

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