Terza Rima I - pipTalk Forums

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majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

0 posted 2002-11-06 06:51 PM

Terza Rima I

ExStacy, southern belle with a Texas drawl,
Pacific's echoing call, heard too well,
Red-gold hair matching the Western sunfall.

On the beach the seeker found many a shell,
Concrete beds of the city king's hall
Broke her until, chilled soul's tears fell.

And the ravaging tyrants stood, a solid wall,
Her imprisonment sealed with the sounding knell
As the needles full prevented all withdrawal.

The travelled days passed with only fruit to sell,
Always inching closer, towards home she did crawl,
Having little hope but great that it is to escape Hell.

just warmin' up. i think I like this form.

Connel

Senior Member

since 2002-11-04

Posts 736
Florida, USA

1 posted 2002-11-07 04:18 PM

Pretty nice poem.. But try putting a little bit more detial into your poem,.. I wish i could say more but i have to go.

I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait.

Wind

Member Elite

since 2002-10-12

Posts 2981

2 posted 2002-11-07 09:40 PM

Good job, you seemed to stick to the rules. And acctualy, I disagree with Connel, i think that there is plenty of description in your peice.

"Sticks and stones will break my bones,
But words will break my heart"

Tammy Blessing
Member

since 2002-08-26

Posts 366
PA

3 posted 2002-11-12 08:57 AM

I liked this piece! Thanks for joining in our little class. I'm sure you will be an inspirational addition.
Tammy

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

4 posted 2002-11-12 08:47 PM

thank you all for your comments.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

5 posted 2002-11-13 10:38 PM

Hi majnu!

Is Ex-Stacy a play on the word 'ectasy' or is that just me playing with your words? Anyway, I loved it.

Shenachie

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

6 posted 2002-11-14 12:56 PM

Shenachie,
yes, i meant to imply both, that is why i did not hyphenate it.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

7 posted 2002-11-18 06:18 PM

It definitely looks like a Terza Rima, with a correct rhyme scheme, although I read somewhere (but forgot where LOL) Terza Rima is supposed to be written in iambic pentameter. Other than that, I cannot comment on your poem, as I'm just not "getting" it. It must be my Dutch mind, or perhaps I'm not reading very well tonight. Would you mind explaining it to me? And please feel free to criticize my entry as you please. I'd love to hear someone elses point of view.

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

8 posted 2002-11-18 09:51 PM

munda,
i hesitate, but you asked:

it is based on an article i read a year or so back about a girl from missouri to came to LA to be an actress. she had a tough time finding a job and was convinced to be in an adult flic to make her rent. she fell in with a bad crowd that got her drugged up and turned into a street walker; the crime bit was connected somehow with a couple city commissioners/councilmen.

she eventually ran away and made her way across the country doing odd jobs and hooking till she got home.

the article said she was in college and that she was one of the lucky ones.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

9 posted 2002-11-24 08:23 AM

In reading this piece, I did pick up on your innuendo and your metaphorical descriptions of a girl going to the "big city" to find her way to fame... only to fall by the wayside in her attempts. You theme is well developed.

You've deviated from the norm in your meter, and your rhyme scheme incorporates only two distinct end rhymes. There's no reason why you can't take this license, of course... Nice job majnu..

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