Untitled Free Verse by Max

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Prairie Inkwells
Junior Member

since 2002-02-04

Posts 13
Kansas

0 posted 2002-08-20 08:11 PM

Max, one of the members of Prairie Inkwells, submits this bit of free verse. Your comments and suggestions are welcome and encouraged!

~*~

Like some people who wrong me
and disappear like ghosts; so I
too resemble a ghost.
Aye, a ghost ship called the “Flying
Dutchman.”

In every myth there is a truth,
sometimes a patchwork of ideas.
Sometimes a reference to a willful activity.
Sometimes a reference to a virtue.

Condemned to sail eternally;
majestic waves never daunt her.
As the famous poet Keats said:
“Truth; Beauty – Beauty, Truth
that is all ye know and all
ye need to know.”

Yea, the Flying Dutchman was condemned
to flee and did many years ago.
Condemned to sail eternally the
bonds of love to disconnect.

Shades of Moby Dick,
the Flying Dutchman
reminds us of a famous quote
from a famous movie star, Greta Garbo,
“I vant to be alone!”

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

1 posted 2002-08-21 09:39 AM

Hi there Max,

This is a good piece of work. I really liked it. Since you asked for suggestions, I would start by giving a title : 'Condemned' could be a choice.

Then I moved the words around a bit and worked on spellings and some capitalization to come up with version:

Like some people who wrong me
and disappear like ghosts;
so I too resemble
a ghost.
Aye, a ghost ship called
the Flying Dutchman.

In every myth there is a truth,
sometimes a patchwork of ideas:
sometimes a reference to a wilful activity
sometimes to a virtue.

Condemned to sail
eternally;
majestic waves never daunt her.
As the famous poet Keats said:
“Truth, Beauty – Beauty, Truth
that is all ye know and all
ye need to know.”

Yea, the Flying Dutchman was
condemned to flee
and did many years ago.
condemned to sail
eternally the bonds of love
to disconnect.

Shades of Moby Dick,
the Flying Dutchman
reminds us of a famous quote
from a famous movie star,
Greta Garbo,
“I want to be alone!”

------------

But, as we all have read and said and heard, there are no rules for free verse. It is a matter of how the writer wants the reader to read, where to break, where to stress and so on.

Thanks for the chance, and please continue posting here. Your words are most enjoyable...

Regards,
Sudhir

[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (08-21-2002 10:47 AM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2002-08-26 10:19 AM

Those are good comments, Sudhir, thank you. I hope some others will come by and comment on Max's attempt so that we may share this with him at our group meeting.

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

3 posted 2002-08-28 03:27 AM

Enjoyed your 'lost at sea' imagery. Thanks for posting, Max!

Shenachie

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

4 posted 2002-08-30 08:40 AM

This is a nice piece of work, Max... As I was reading it, before I read the comments, I was thinking of changing some of your line breaks for a stronger effect... Sudhir seemed to be thinking the same thing.. See - This is what I keep all of you around for...

Nicely done, Max..

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

5 posted 2002-08-30 08:27 PM

Max,
This reads very well, yet does not leap from the page, grasping the reader,leaving them no choice but to follow, panting for more.
Just a thought.
Doc

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